PUT IT ALL ON RED

New content every weekday. Sometimes.

Month: June, 2015

Tip of the Day #637

by Lincoln Sedlacek

If you don’t want to talk to the people next to you on an airplane, put in earbuds and whenever someone tries to start a conversation say, “I’m sorry – these earbuds aren’t actually attached to anything, but I put them in so that I wouldn’t have to talk to you. Let’s just pretend this never happened, okay?” If they protest, just point at both earbuds and shake your head, mouthing, “Sorry, I can’t hear you.”

My Favorite Movies in the Jurassic Park Series

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  1. Jurassic Park – During a preview tour, a dinosaur theme park experiences a major power shutdown that allows its deadly attractions to run amok.
  2. The Lost World: Jurassic Park – It is discovered that Jurassic Park actually had a second site already in operation when the first site went out of commission. Remembering how fun people said the first site was, a research team decides to go visit the island.
  3. Jurassic Park III – A team of plucky Hollywood writers realize that it’s possible to write a third movie where dinosaurs fight and eat humans with as little plot as a paragliding accident.
  4. Jurassic World – A new dinosaur theme park, Jurassic World, opens and continues running for several years, due in large part to the management’s choice of using actual walls to keep the dinosaurs in their pens. Disaster strikes, however, when they build one of the walls too thin.
  5. Jurassic World II: Raptor Squad – InGen carries out Vic Hoskins dream of breeding and training velociraptors for use in the military. The Raptor Squad’s initial performance seems promising, right up until they’re sent on a search and rescue mission.
  6. Jurassic League: The Reno Raptors – Attempting to get back in the public’s good graces, InGen clones a velociraptor basketball team. The NBA initially resists letting the team play professionally, but relents when InGen points out there’s no rule saying a basketball team can’t be made up of velociraptors. Such a rule is instated shortly after the bloodbath of the Reno Raptors’ first game.
  7. Jurassic Troupe: A Dance of Dinos – Realizing that one of velociraptors’ most lovable qualities is the cute clicking noise their claws make when they hit the ground, InGen trains a troupe of tap-dancing velociraptors. The result is a bunch of scientists screaming, “Why didn’t we just clone Fred Astaire and Shirley Temple?!” while their insides are being torn out.
  8. Jurassic: ON ICE! – InGen airs a reality show in which figure skaters compete on a frozen lake containing a carnivorous, 60-foot-long mosasaur. For once, things go exactly as planned.

from PIAOR’s Book of Quotations, page 349

by Lincoln Sedlacek

“Keep your friends close, and the complimentary cheese tray closer.”
–Benjamin Franklin

Facebook Security Questions

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Facebook works hard to ensure your account remains secure and you private information stays private. In order to help us keep your personal information safe, please answer the following security questions:

What is your biggest regret?

Does the Red Cross allow you to give blood?

Have you ever considered deactivating your Facebook account?

What was the make and model of the first car you cheated on your spouse in?

Knowing we have the answer to that question, are you now considering deactivating your Facebook account?

Who was your favorite professor who raised your exam grades for unethical reasons?

What is the name of your first illegally owned firearm?

What is a crime you have committed for which you were never convicted?

What is the trigger word that will cause you to carry out your mission for the KGB?

If you thought that deactivating your Facebook account could result in up to 20 years in prison, would you still consider doing so?

Where did you last bury a human body? Please select a state from the drop-down list below.

On what date did you commit your most significant act of treason?

We read all your private messages.

-Jordy Greenblatt and Lincoln Sedlacek

from PIAOR’s Book of Quotations, page 116

by Jordy Greenblatt

“When Parliament moves to disallow factionalization under the guise of the common good, it grants to the majority the power to sustain its own rule indefinitely and inevitably paves the way to tyranny and abuse.”
–George Clinton, In Defense of Funkadelic

from PIAOR’s Book of Quotations, page 825

by Lincoln Sedlacek

“Life is what happens when you’re busy making babies.”
–Allen Saunders

2015’s Hottest Summer Looks for Thermometers

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Look out, thermometers, because summer is here. Is your wardrobe ready for the coming months? Check out a few of 2015’s hottest summer trends!

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Higher Mercury Levels
Nothing says “summer” like a hike — hiking up your mercury levels, that is! Get your mercury levels as high as these, and the world is going to know that you’re hot, hot, hot!

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Greater Digital Numbers
Of course, if you’re not a “mercury” type, you can always heat things up with some high digital numbers. Gone are last month’s 60s and 70s. Time to break out the 80s and 90s!

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Condensation
Remember how your parents wanted you to wear icicles from November through February? Well, they may be about to have a meltdown, because it’s time to shrug off those boring old ice chips and show the world that, with you, it’s not just the heat: it’s the humidity.

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Bursting
Still don’t feel like you’re hot enough? Try blowing your top off, sending your insides shooting out and dribbling down your sides. It’s a daring, once-in-a-lifetime look, but it’s sure to have people pointing at you saying, “Gee, look at that thermometer! It doesn’t get much hotter than that!”

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Be the Sun
People will definitely realize how hot your look is if you’re the sun.

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