PUT IT ALL ON RED

Two fictional mainstays, one of the DC comic universe, the other of Judy Blume’s Fudge children’s series. The question is… Who would win in a fight?

In one corner, there’s Batman: a trained fighter who has spent years bringing down the most dangerous criminals known to mankind, clad in bulletproof armor and wielding a deadly arsenal of weapons and tactical gear. In the other corner, there’s Superfudge: the imaginary alter-ego of a hyperactive six-year-old child who – according to his older brother, Peter – is the biggest pain ever invented.

Now, at first glance, it might seem like Superfudge has a lot of advantages in this battle. He’s smaller and wears no armor, making him quicker and more agile. He’s also a lot younger than Batman, giving him energy that the Caped Crusader – fit as he is – hasn’t seen in decades. However, Batman his own advantages – for example, Bruce Wayne’s muscle and weaponry far surpasses that of a young child. Even if Superfudge were to run a few circles around Batman and maybe hold something gross right under his nose, that’s no match for a devastating punch to the face, which could probably dislocate a six-year-old’s jaw in one go.

“But wait!” you might say. “Superfudge may not have the high ground physically, but what about his intellectual advantages! He knows a lot of big words – he could use those to confuse Batman and throw him off his game!”

This is a fair point, but Superfudge has his own intellectual deficiencies; for example, he doesn’t know where babies come from. All Batman has to do is mention that, and Superfudge will be even more confused, more than leveling the playing field. And then it won’t be long before the Dark Knight is delivering an armored knee directly into Superfudge’s sternum, knocking the wind out of him and disorienting him so much that he won’t see the blades on Batman’s metal gauntlets until it’s too late.

Of course, one might say that, as a last resort, Superfudge could run away and hide. Assuming Batman doesn’t “win” until he kills Superfudge, this tactic could deprive him of victory. And assuming Batman then tries to find Superfudge, this could give the toddler the opportunity to execute a surprise attack from close range – giving him a fighting chance to catch the Bat off-guard.

Unfortunately, even if Superfudge wanted to employ this tactic, he wouldn’t stand much of a chance. As soon as he turned his back, he would be allowing Batsy to switch to a fully offensive stance, and then it’d only be a few seconds before a deadly batarang was lodged firmly between Superfudge’s shoulder blades.

In the end, it all comes down to Batman’s strength, fighting experience, and extensive armory of weapons and gadgets. Superfudge’s brother may have thought that he was the greatest nuisance in existence, but annoying your older brother is quite different from trying to defeat one of the greatest detectives and fighters of all-time. I would say the Batman is the guaranteed victor here, with Superfudge lasting about five seconds before he has been killed by an armored punch or kick or run down by the Batmobile.

• April Anxiety
• May Manic-Depression
• June Jitters
• July Jonesing
• August Angst
• September Syphilis-Induced Dementia
• October Obsessive-Compulsions
• November Nymphomania
• Debcmeer Dyslexia

-Melissa Chiasson, Jordy Greenblatt, Lincoln Sedlacek