PUT IT ALL ON RED

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Month: September, 2014

My Favorite Movies in the Air Bud Series

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  1. Air Bud – Josh adopts a golden retriever and discovers that he can play basketball.
  2. Air Bud: Starting Line-Pup – Josh is being harassed by Leslie, the quarterback of the high school football team. But his luck changes when Buddy is put on the defensive line after mauling Leslie during an after-school practice.
  3. Air Bud: Fast and Furriest – Buddy gets a spot on the high school track and field team, which seems to involve relatively normal activities for a dog right up until the moment when he wins the pole-vaulting event.
  4. Air Bud: Pitch in Heat – Buddy becomes the pitcher for the school baseball team, but has trouble working with the team catcher, a female Husky named Sally.
  5. Air Bud: Puppy-Love – When Buddy and Sally have to play together on the tennis team, they learn how to trust each other and strengthen their relationship on and off the court.
  6. Air Bud: Flea Bargain – Buddy joins Josh in mock trial. The coach demands that he be removed from the team, but experiences a change of heart when Buddy saves him from being convicted of 1st-degree murder.
  7. Air Buddies: Ruff-Housing – Buddy and Sally have puppies, whose combined weight is low enough for them to compete together on the school wrestling team.
  8. Air Dogs: Muttriculation – Josh’s RA says pets aren’t allowed in the dorms, but the dean makes an exception when she realizes that the dogs are geniuses in particle physics.
  9. Air Bud: First Litter – When Josh becomes the President of the United States, opposing parties question the constitutionality of a dog being sworn in as Vice President. An amendment is made for Buddy after he proves himself at the U.S.-China Trade Summit; unfortunately, he’ll still die long before reaching the age requirement of thirty-five years.

Alternate Forms of Birth Control

by Melissa Chiasson

  • Birkenstocks
  • Stories about your college acapella group
  • Michelob Light
  • Use of the word “ghetto” to describe your suburban upbringing
  • Michael Bolton

Just a Thought: Role Play

by Jordy Greenblatt

I want to do “strangers meeting at a bar” role play with my girlfriend. It’s not sexual; we just both really like talking about ourselves and we don’t meet so many people these days.

Things I Listed Under My Main Accomplishments on My First Annual Self-Evaluation

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Actively participated in new employee orientation, asking engaging questions like, “Can you talk a bit more about the company dress code?” and “So, no banana hammocks, then?”
  • Was first employee to attend combined employee orientation and sexual-harassment training
  • Completed break room coffee machine training in under thirty seconds
  • Cleaned up first attempt at using the coffee machine in the break room in under thirty minutes
  • Networked within my department by going on dates with all female employees in first two weeks
  • Went on date with my manager, during which she told me my performance was subpar
  • Was second employee to attend combined employee orientation and sexual-harassment training
  • Refrained from rolling eyes more than three times per day
  • Learned how to misrepresent statistics in order to enhance company image in grant proposals
  • Completed eight pages of a grant proposal, a number 200% greater than the number of grants I was projected to finish this year
  • Learned to assign action items in a confident enough tone that nobody thought to check whether I had any myself
  • Refrained from punching Xander from accounting right in his stupid face
  • Brought donuts to yearly evaluation (note to reader: I actually forgot to do this)

Tip of the Day #922

by Lincoln Sedlacek

The theme song from PBS’s Wishbone makes a great addition to any romantic playlist.

Great Pick-Up Lines to Use in the Emergency Room

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Did it hurt? When you fell from Heaven and then immediately got hit by that bus?
  • I have two conditions. One is bacterial meningitis. The other is that we go out for drinks sometime when we don’t require emergency medical care.
  • Do you have a dislodged, protruding pelvic bone, or are you just happy to see me?
  • If it weren’t for the fluid filling my lungs, you would be taking my breath away.
  • Do you have advanced melanoma? Because that is the biggest pair of lumps I’ve ever seen.
  • Excuse me, the nurse said that I should talk to you about my erection that’s lasted more than eight hours.
  • God, you make me wish I weren’t terminal.

Preview of HGTV’s New Fall Lineup

by Melissa Chiasson

Mason Jar Mania: Need a cute and totally inefficient way to pack a salad for lunch? Mason jars! Need to craft centerpieces for a wedding on a budget? Mason jars! Need to make a Molotov cocktail that says “I’m fomenting revolution, artisanally!” Mason jars!

O. J. Simpson: If I Bid It: This zany reality series follows O. J. Simpson as he studies to become an auctioneer at the venerable Christie’s auction house. Does he have what it takes to pound the auctioneers’ gavel? Or will he be going once, going twice, gone! after threatening to kill the craft services guy for buying the wrong bagels?

What the Fuck is Macramé?: It sounds like a French pastry and probably isn’t a thing anyone cares about. 13 episodes, coming right up!

Wallpaper: A History: Join us as we go back in time and trace the astounding origins of wall paper. From the ancient Egyptians’ use of papyrus covered with decorative designs as wall coverings to today’s use of paper covered with decorative designs as wall coverings, this story is bound to excite.

HGTV’s Cribs: Each episode features three aging couples as they invite you into their sensible, reasonably sized abodes. They will talk at-length about how they chose their granite countertops. You will change the channel to Jeopardy!.

 

Just a Thought: Pregnancy

by Jordy Greenblatt

The most awkward thing about being in your mid-twenties is that when someone says they’re pregnant, you’re never sure whether to say, “Congratulations!” or, “Take a deep breath, everything’s gonna be alright.”

Responses of Characters in Billy Joel’s “Piano Man” to Their Descriptions in the Song

by Jordy Greenblatt

Old Man Sitting Next to Billy: I was not speaking metaphorically. I used to steal and wear younger men’s clothing. I told Billy that in confidence.

John at the bar: I still work at that place, but now that people can’t smoke in bars my only defining characteristic is being quick with a joke. I’m considering learning a bottle-throwing trick to diversify.

Paul the real estate novelist: I’d like to clear up a common misconception. I was not a real estate agent attempting to make it as a novelist. I was (and remain) a novelist who writes a popular series of real estate themed thrillers called Location, Location, Danger. I never had time for a wife because I turned out like two of those babies a year and made millions.

Davy, who’s still in the Navy: You’re goddamn right I’m in the Navy for life. These colors don’t run.

Waitress practicing politics: What kind of prick writes off an intelligent woman who’s knowledgeable about the world as “practicing politics?”

Businessmen slowly getting stoned: We have glaucoma. All of us.

Manager: That’s not why I was smiling. Billy, I’ve always loved you and if you’re ready to give this a shot, call me at 310-247-9638.

Tip of the Day #952

by Melissa Chiasson

Smoking may make you look cool, but smoking in a leather jacket will make you look even cooler.

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