Things I Listed Under My Main Accomplishments on My First Annual Self-Evaluation

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Actively participated in new employee orientation, asking engaging questions like, “Can you talk a bit more about the company dress code?” and “So, no banana hammocks, then?”
  • Was first employee to attend combined employee orientation and sexual-harassment training
  • Completed break room coffee machine training in under thirty seconds
  • Cleaned up first attempt at using the coffee machine in the break room in under thirty minutes
  • Networked within my department by going on dates with all female employees in first two weeks
  • Went on date with my manager, during which she told me my performance was subpar
  • Was second employee to attend combined employee orientation and sexual-harassment training
  • Refrained from rolling eyes more than three times per day
  • Learned how to misrepresent statistics in order to enhance company image in grant proposals
  • Completed eight pages of a grant proposal, a number 200% greater than the number of grants I was projected to finish this year
  • Learned to assign action items in a confident enough tone that nobody thought to check whether I had any myself
  • Refrained from punching Xander from accounting right in his stupid face
  • Brought donuts to yearly evaluation (note to reader: I actually forgot to do this)
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