Responses of Characters in Billy Joel’s “Piano Man” to Their Descriptions in the Song

by Jordy Greenblatt

Old Man Sitting Next to Billy: I was not speaking metaphorically. I used to steal and wear younger men’s clothing. I told Billy that in confidence.

John at the bar: I still work at that place, but now that people can’t smoke in bars my only defining characteristic is being quick with a joke. I’m considering learning a bottle-throwing trick to diversify.

Paul the real estate novelist: I’d like to clear up a common misconception. I was not a real estate agent attempting to make it as a novelist. I was (and remain) a novelist who writes a popular series of real estate themed thrillers called Location, Location, Danger. I never had time for a wife because I turned out like two of those babies a year and made millions.

Davy, who’s still in the Navy: You’re goddamn right I’m in the Navy for life. These colors don’t run.

Waitress practicing politics: What kind of prick writes off an intelligent woman who’s knowledgeable about the world as “practicing politics?”

Businessmen slowly getting stoned: We have glaucoma. All of us.

Manager: That’s not why I was smiling. Billy, I’ve always loved you and if you’re ready to give this a shot, call me at 310-247-9638.

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