PUT IT ALL ON RED

“Baby Got Back” — Not always.

“We Built This City” — No. The band Starship did not build any cities.

“What a Wonderful World” — Probably for some people.

“Love Me Do” — Grammatically unsound.

“(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction” — This really hinges on how close you are at the time to a milkshake or drugs.

“Santa Claus Is Coming to Town” — Nope.

“Larger Than Life” — The title of this Backstreet Boys song doesn’t make sense. How can something be larger than life? What does that even mean? But try pointing that out to Melissa Richards when you’re dancing to it together at the 8th grade prom. Suddenly she doesn’t want to make eye contact and has to get home soon.

“Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony” — There is no historical evidence of the other four.

“Video Killed the Radio Star” — That depends. If you’re talking about the popular 1930s radio personality Eddie Cantor, it was a heart attack.

“This Land Is Your Land” — If you own it, I guess.

“It Was a Very Good Year” — Actually, there has only been one very good year on record so far. It was 1991, when Super Nintendo came out.

“She’s a Lady” — Not if you’re talking about Melissa Richards and staying with your prom date regardless of whether he forgot to shower that day and “smells funny” is something a lady is supposed to do.

“Walk This Way,” performed by Aerosmith and Run DMC featuring Cap’n Crunch — No such version of this song exists. But how cool would that be!

“I Will” — Over my dead body.

1. While riding the subway, don’t touch anyone else unless you’re related by blood. If you do accidentally touch someone, apologize, but not too much. (Exchanging words on the subway is bad etiquette.)

2. Urinals aren’t for pooping.

3. Many people think the famous line from Casablanca is “Play it again, Sam.” But that’s not true: the line is simply “Play it, Sam.” Etiquette dictates that you correct this misconception at every opportunity.

4. Along similar lines, Frankenstein is the doctor, not the monster. Christ, are you the only person who knows anything?

5. Holding doors open for women is not only polite, but a good way to show how strong you are and how you think women can’t do things.

6. If you’re playing badminton, there is no need to play for blood.

7. When you see someone walking with a limp, adopt a similar limp.*

8. While at the orchestra, remember not to clap between movements unless you want to be looked down on by some of the world’s most truly awful people.

9. Yes, it’s true, in movies something funny or dramatic often happens at weddings when the priest asks the guests if there are any objections to the union. But in real life it’s more just a tradition, so you actually shouldn’t say anything, even if you think up the perfect zinger about how the groom really should lose a few pounds and probably it affects his sexual stamina.

10. Try to tip around 20%. (Note: This refers to the money you leave your server at a restaurant, not the amount of cows you see grazing as you return home. Tipping cows over is not good etiquette.)

11. You might find yourself over at someone else’s for dinner and they’ll want to say grace. Just go along with it.

**

^{*This is more of a superstition, actually.}

The South: Slavery is good.

History: No it’s not.

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Napoleon: I’m taller than my average male contemporaries.

History: That’s true. Still, whenever there’s a short man who’s spiteful at the world, we’re going to compare him to you. We’re going to call it the Napoleon complex.

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John Hancock: By signing my name in large letters, I’ll ensure that everyone will remember all the important things I did to help America gain her independence.

History: Actually, we’re just going to remember the name thing.

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George W. Bush: I’ll let history be the judge of me.

History: Way ahead of you.

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Nickelback: We’re just a band making music we like. Why does everyone hate us so much?

History: Shut the fuck up, Nickelback.

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Nero: I didn’t really play the fiddle when Rome burned; that’s a myth.

History: Another myth is the myth of Pygmalion. He was a sculptor who built a statue of a beautiful woman, and then she came to life and married him.

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Martin Luther King, Jr.: I have a dream.

History: Anything else you want remembered? Maybe about entrenched economic disparity being one of the foundational problems with American race relations and all of society in general? No? Perfect.

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Tyler Hutchinson: I hope I make varsity.

History: You haven’t been born yet.

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Judas: If Jesus isn’t executed, he can never redeem humanity’s sins or ascend to Heaven to sit at the right hand of God. So of course I’ll be celebrated throughout the ages for delivering him to the Roman authorities.

History: …Sure.

Begging the question: When you argue in a circle such that the soundness of your premises rests on your conclusion being true.

Ad hominem: Meaning literally “to attack the body,” this is when you attack your opponent’s character instead of his or her argument.

Straw man: When you mischaracterize your opponent’s argument by gathering together a bunch of straw and building a dummy out of it, then dressing it in your clothes and yelling about how your opponent’s argument is so stupid that not even the dummy would believe it.

Red herring: When you try to distract from the argument at hand by suggesting that we go fishing.

Arm wrestling fallacy: The belief that any argument can be settled by arm wrestling.

False analogy: Remember analogies from when you were a kid? Like “Michael Jordan is to basketball as Babe Ruth is to baseball”? Those still make no sense to me.

Gambler’s fallacy: The belief that any argument can be settled by Kenny Rogers. (In reality, the only arguments he can settle are ones about conflicting interpretations of Kenny Rogers lyrics. And even then not always, because his songs have a lot of layers.)

Cherry picking: When you refuse to get back on defense, but just wait around under the basket so you can score the ball quickly the next time your team is on offense.

Argument from silence: When you presume your conclusion to be sound simply because your opponent has yet to counter it. (Probably because of how stupid he feels thanks to that straw man dummy you made.)*

Alligators: Basically render the whole idea of logic moot.

False dichotomy: When you assert that one of two opposing statements must be true, when in reality it might be a third thing altogether that’s true — and maybe that thing can accommodate the first two statements together! Boy, doesn’t the turmoil in the Middle East just seem like one big false dichotomy now?

Pornography: Not a logical fallacy in its strictest sense, but masturbating to it sure is fun. Am I right?

Fallacy of exclusive premises: The worst of all logical fallacies.

Robin Williams: When your argument rests on you being Robin Williams.

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^{*You should poke pins in the dummy in case voodoo is real.}

Found true love: Immediately.

Global warming still a problem: Slowly dawn.

Might be gay: Slowly dawn.

New baby is male: Almost immediately.

Won the lottery: Immediately.

Winning the lottery won’t solve all your problems: Slowly dawn.

Afraid of flying: Slowly dawn, after years of watching birds fly and realizing humans aren’t supposed to do that, and just look at them! It’s unnatural.

Late for work: Immediately, via AC/DC music from bedside clock.

New baby might be gay: Slowly dawn, but not for many years.

Mission Impossible IV a good movie: Immediately, midway through during the skyscraper sequence. Yeah!

Thing you thought was true love maybe isn’t: Slowly dawn.

You’re among the least-liked people in the office: Either slowly dawn after you’re not invited out for drinks for the third Friday in a row, or immediately, after you overhear Craig saying “I’ll go out for drinks this Friday, but only if [your name]’s not coming,” and then everyone heartily agrees.

Mortality: Slowly dawn, but with a sudden shock of “Oh my God, I’m going to die” at the end or in the middle.

There no reason not to eat Reese’s Puffs cereal in the middle of the night just because you’re fully grown: Immediately.