by River Clegg
The South: Slavery is good.
History: No it’s not.
Napoleon: I’m taller than my average male contemporaries.
History: That’s true. Still, whenever there’s a short man who’s spiteful at the world, we’re going to compare him to you. We’re going to call it the Napoleon complex.
John Hancock: By signing my name in large letters, I’ll ensure that everyone will remember all the important things I did to help America gain her independence.
History: Actually, we’re just going to remember the name thing.
George W. Bush: I’ll let history be the judge of me.
History: Way ahead of you.
Nickelback: We’re just a band making music we like. Why does everyone hate us so much?
History: Shut the fuck up, Nickelback.
Nero: I didn’t really play the fiddle when Rome burned; that’s a myth.
History: Another myth is the myth of Pygmalion. He was a sculptor who built a statue of a beautiful woman, and then she came to life and married him.
Martin Luther King, Jr.: I have a dream.
History: Anything else you want remembered? Maybe about entrenched economic disparity being one of the foundational problems with American race relations and all of society in general? No? Perfect.
Tyler Hutchinson: I hope I make varsity.
History: You haven’t been born yet.
Judas: If Jesus isn’t executed, he can never redeem humanity’s sins or ascend to Heaven to sit at the right hand of God. So of course I’ll be celebrated throughout the ages for delivering him to the Roman authorities.