by River Clegg

1. While riding the subway, don’t touch anyone else unless you’re related by blood. If you do accidentally touch someone, apologize, but not too much. (Exchanging words on the subway is bad etiquette.)

2. Urinals aren’t for pooping.

3. Many people think the famous line from Casablanca is “Play it again, Sam.” But that’s not true: the line is simply “Play it, Sam.” Etiquette dictates that you correct this misconception at every opportunity.

4. Along similar lines, Frankenstein is the doctor, not the monster. Christ, are you the only person who knows anything?

5. Holding doors open for women is not only polite, but a good way to show how strong you are and how you think women can’t do things.

6. If you’re playing badminton, there is no need to play for blood.

7. When you see someone walking with a limp, adopt a similar limp.*

8. While at the orchestra, remember not to clap between movements unless you want to be looked down on by some of the world’s most truly awful people.

9. Yes, it’s true, in movies something funny or dramatic often happens at weddings when the priest asks the guests if there are any objections to the union. But in real life it’s more just a tradition, so you actually shouldn’t say anything, even if you think up the perfect zinger about how the groom really should lose a few pounds and probably it affects his sexual stamina.

10. Try to tip around 20%. (Note: This refers to the money you leave your server at a restaurant, not the amount of cows you see grazing as you return home. Tipping cows over is not good etiquette.)

11. You might find yourself over at someone else’s for dinner and they’ll want to say grace. Just go along with it.


*This is more of a superstition, actually.