PUT IT ALL ON RED

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Tag: Jordy

Oscar Predictions, 2016

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Best Abdominal Muscles in a Leading Role
Channing Tatum’s Abdominal Muscles, Magic Mike XXL

Most Realistic Representation of Ted Cruz in a Leading Role
Indominous Rex, Jurassic World

Best Tree in a Supporting Role
White Oak, The Revenant

Best Movie Paralleling Current-Day International Politics
The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water

Most Recent Movie About Steve Jobs
Steve Jobs

Best Costume Design by Household Vermin
Cinderella

Best Post-Production Decision-Making
Cutting B-Plot Where Donnie’s Cat Trains to Fight Neighbor’s Dog, Creed

Worst Video Resolution
Pixels

Deepest Exploration of the Negative Effects of Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy
Minions

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Closest Oscar Races of 2016

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Best Jennifer Lawrence in a Role Supporting Jennifer Lawrence
Jennifer Lawrence, Joy
vs.
Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Lawrence Presents: Homeward Bound II: Lost in San Francisco

Best Diverse Casting Hollywood Can Do
Emma Stone, Aloha
vs.
Eddie Redmayne, The Danish Girl

Most Robotic Acting
Alicia Vikander, Ex Machina
vs.
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Terminator Genisys

Best Cinnamontography
“Starbucks Scene,” Avengers: Age of Ultron
vs.
Large Apple Spice Muffin, Straight Outta Compton

Movie That Most Confuses the Audience About the Size of the Main Character
Antman
vs.
The Big Short

Best Earning of an R Rating by a Vulgar, Balls-to-the-Wall Bear
Ted, Ted 2
vs.
Paddington, Paddington

Highest Filmography
Everest
vs.
Dope

Best Celebration of White Greatness That Doesn’t Help the World in Any Way
The Walk
vs.
The 2016 Oscar Nominations

-Lincoln Sedlacek, Melissa Chiasson, and Jordy Greenblatt

Tweets From the Twitter Account I Made for My Neighbor’s Dog

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Dog Twitter

-Melissa Chiasson, Jordy Greenblatt, and Lincoln Sedlacek

Money-Saving Tips for Summer Vacation

by Jordy Greenblatt

  • Remember that hotel rooms are massively under-priced if a global pandemic originated in them
  • Only take your favorite child
  • Tell yourself that vacationing is a state of mind or some bullshit
  • Take heart that, thanks to today’s economy, siphoning gas is not the taboo it once was
  • St. Bart’s is a popular destination, but the budget-savvy traveler knows that many of the same luxuries can be had for a fraction of the price in Barbados
  • Marry a lonely and aged heiress who will take you places for free
  • Steal tons of shit
  • “Accidentally” bring your expired credit cards
  • Tip Vegas strippers in hyper-inflated Zimbabwean bills
  • Instead of wasting money at an overpriced hotel bar, mix your own daiquiris with ice from the urinal and fermented Nestle Strawberry Quik
  • Save on a beach vacation by sunbathing nude in an elementary school sandbox
  • Try to get your credit card stolen by someone you think will spend less than you do
  • Instead of paying for hotel rooms, just go home with a different person every night. Make sure your spouse and children have the skills necessary to do the same.
  • The cheapest vacation destinations are in Farina, IL, Topeka, KS, and the middle of the Sahara Desert. These places are also god-awful, so you’ll be unlikely to spend lots of money on souvenirs or having fun.
  • Everyone likes luxurious hotels and fancy restaurants, but if your kids are young enough they’ll be just as happy to stay in a Motel 6 and eat McDonald’s for every meal

-Melissa Chiasson, River Clegg, Jordy Greenblatt, and Lincoln Sedlacek

Mnemonics I Use to Remember My Co-Workers’ Names

by Lincoln Sedlacek

That time I went to James Bond’s house for a 007 marathon, he talked for a whole half hour about the importance of diversifying my investment portfolio to include municipal bonds. He ended up guilting me into it by telling me I needed to think about my family, so I now think of them as “shame bonds,” which sounds a lot like James Bond.

Parker Carson used to work as a valet, and she’s continually telling stories about how she had to choose between putting SUVs in the “park or Carson” Center parking lots.

When I went to KFC with Ted Sanders and he told me about his time as a colonel in the Army Reserves, he wouldn’t stop running his hands along the sides of the table, like they were wood sanders.

John Clogger always gets the toilet stopped up, which inevitably results in Jon the janitor guilting us all into going to his next clogging recital.

When Luke, who insists on being referred to as “Dr. Baker,” brings in cookies, I can tell that he uses fake chocolate chips, which reminds me of how people mishear Taylor Swift’s lyric “Fakers gonna fake, fake, fake, fake, fake,” as “Bakers gonna bake, bake, bake, bake.” Someone who only misheard it a little bit would hear, “Bakers gonna fake, fake, fake, fake, fake.’

Earl Goodman is always honest and frank with his criticisms, without ever being mean-spirited. He’s as good a man as John Goodman, who is so great he should be knighted by the Queen of England, which would kind of make him “Earl Goodman.”

Last time we went out for drinks after work, Jim Beam drank so much whiskey that we told him we wouldn’t let him drive home and made him give us his keys. He told us he was fine and after some arguing back and forth he said he’d prove it: he made us all go to his gym across the street and watch him walk the balance beam. Unfortunately we were right, and, long story short, he’s in a coma.

-Jordy Greenblatt, Lincoln Sedlacek

Things I Didn’t Do Yesterday Because I Thought It Was February 29th

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Use my now-expired Macy’s coupons
  • Mail in grad school applications with March 1st deadlines
  • Show up for the meeting with my parole officer
  • Celebrate my daughter’s birthday
  • Get my daughter a birthday present that would make up for also forgetting her birthday last year
  • Send out the church’s February news round-up
  • Pay protection money
  • Remind crime lord, who said it would be a shame if anything happened to my seven-year-old daughter, that my daughter is actually eight now
  • Flip my calendar to March

-Melissa Chiasson, Jordy Greenblatt, Lincoln Sedlacek

Put It All on Red Looks Back at 2014

by Lincoln Sedlacek

January 17th – PIAOR welcomes their newest member, Zack the intern, by explaining that his will be an unpaid position.

February 8th – Jordy uploads his homemade “#SELFIE” music video.

February 21st – The musical group Kidz Bop sues Jordy for ripping off several aspects of their “#SELFIE” music video.

March 2nd – Ellen DeGeneres’ Oscar selfie goes viral, breaking records by becoming the first picture River hasn’t been able to find Waldo in.

April 11th – News reports about the Heartbleed bug cause Melissa to update the PIAOR password from “password1234” to “password12345.”

May 4th – Someone hacks the PIAOR administrative account. The staff decides to blame Zack the intern and lower his pay to him paying them minimum wage.

May 26th – PIAOR remembers those who gave their lives for our country by writing a heartfelt Memorial Day elegy and then posting a piece called “Kermit the Frog’s First Prostate Exam” instead.

June 20th – Zack the intern misses his one-year anniversary dinner with his girlfriend because Lincoln doesn’t know how to use the color printer.

July 19th – After the U.S. bans several Russians for human rights abuses, Russia bans 13 Americans, and the Victoria’s Secret on 13th and Main bans Lincoln for unrelated reasons.

August 23rd – All PIAOR pieces published in the previous three weeks subpoenaed by federal judge.

September 4th – Jordy panics upon realizing that the party he went to wasn’t actually supposed to be murder-mystery themed. He immediately apologizes to the family of the victim.

October 29th – Reports that Fireball whiskey contains an ingredient also used in antifreeze cause Melissa to postpone the PIAOR Halloween party so that there’s time to get more Fireball for it.

November 7th – Samsung releases the Gear S, a smartwatch which has been called one of the worst gadgets of 2014, which makes the PIAOR staff pretty grateful we never tried to patent our own invention, the potato-battery-powered life-support machine.

December 29th – Zack the intern misses the PIAOR holiday party because the staff tells him he has to copy-edit this piece instead. Dickheads.

-Jordy Greenblatt and Lincoln Sedlacek

Songs from Prince’s Sensual New Holiday Album, I’m Dreaming of a Wet Christmas

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Jingle Bell Rockhard Boner
  • Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer (Fuck Me)
  • Ho for the Holidays
  • Snow Makes Me Horny
  • Do You Hear What I Hear? (An Elfin Orgy)
  • I Saw Mommy Blowing Santa Claus (And I Liked It)
  • That’s Not Eggnog Dripping Down My Chin
  • O, Holy Fuck!
  • Unwrap Your Present (It’s My Genitalia)
  • Carol of My Balls
  • Angels Pulling Down My Fly
  • A Miracle Happened in Bethlehem (Come All Over My Back)
  • Feliz Navidad (¿Quieres Coger?)
  • Here Comes Santa Claus

-Melissa Chiasson, Jordy Greenblatt, and Lincoln Sedlacek

Records Listed in “Unbeeten: A Book of the World’s Most Incredible Beets”

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Reddest
  • Oldest
  • Largest (by volume)
  • Largest (by mass)
  • Most Difficult to Peel
  • Best Beet/Goat Cheese Pairing
  • Most Misshapen
  • Best in Class: Red Widow, Bloody Mary, Crimson Tide
  • Best Beet-Related Pun
  • Runniest (Boiled)
  • Runniest (Fresh)
  • Most Likely to Be Mistaken for a Radish
  • Best Borscht
  • Longest Without Water
  • Most Closely Resembling Jesus
  • Sexiest

-Jordy Greenblatt, Lincoln Sedlacek, and Melissa Chiasson

Best Ghosts to Haunt Your House

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • A woman who died the night before she appeared on “Iron Chef,” – she now spends every day making a gourmet dish that she cannot eat, or transport further than your kitchen table.
  • A guy who slipped on coffee that spilled from his “#1 Dad” mug and is always up for playing catch, building a treehouse, or talking to you after a rough day.
  • A man who committed suicide after his girlfriend left because he never did the dishes. Some nights you can still hear him beg her to come back as he loads the dishwasher, puts in some detergent, and turns it on.
  • A girl who died in a terrible fire and now unplugs the iron and turns off the oven whenever you forget to do so before leaving the house.
  • A puppy who spends most of his time in adorable, corporeal form, but who can’t eat, poop, pee, or leave dog hair all over your couch.
  • Jerry Garcia, who plays great music and provides many “Grateful Dead” pun opportunities.

-Jordy Greenblatt and Lincoln Sedlacek

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