PUT IT ALL ON RED

That time I went to James Bond’s house for a 007 marathon, he talked for a whole half hour about the importance of diversifying my investment portfolio to include municipal bonds. He ended up guilting me into it by telling me I needed to think about my family, so I now think of them as “shame bonds,” which sounds a lot like James Bond.

Parker Carson used to work as a valet, and she’s continually telling stories about how she had to choose between putting SUVs in the “park or Carson” Center parking lots.

When I went to KFC with Ted Sanders and he told me about his time as a colonel in the Army Reserves, he wouldn’t stop running his hands along the sides of the table, like they were wood sanders.

John Clogger always gets the toilet stopped up, which inevitably results in Jon the janitor guilting us all into going to his next clogging recital.

When Luke, who insists on being referred to as “Dr. Baker,” brings in cookies, I can tell that he uses fake chocolate chips, which reminds me of how people mishear Taylor Swift’s lyric “Fakers gonna fake, fake, fake, fake, fake,” as “Bakers gonna bake, bake, bake, bake.” Someone who only misheard it a little bit would hear, “Bakers gonna fake, fake, fake, fake, fake.’

Earl Goodman is always honest and frank with his criticisms, without ever being mean-spirited. He’s as good a man as John Goodman, who is so great he should be knighted by the Queen of England, which would kind of make him “Earl Goodman.”

Last time we went out for drinks after work, Jim Beam drank so much whiskey that we told him we wouldn’t let him drive home and made him give us his keys. He told us he was fine and after some arguing back and forth he said he’d prove it: he made us all go to his gym across the street and watch him walk the balance beam. Unfortunately we were right, and, long story short, he’s in a coma.

-Jordy Greenblatt, Lincoln Sedlacek

January 17th – PIAOR welcomes their newest member, Zack the intern, by explaining that his will be an unpaid position.

February 8th – Jordy uploads his homemade “#SELFIE” music video.

February 21st – The musical group Kidz Bop sues Jordy for ripping off several aspects of their “#SELFIE” music video.

March 2nd – Ellen DeGeneres’ Oscar selfie goes viral, breaking records by becoming the first picture River hasn’t been able to find Waldo in.

April 11th – News reports about the Heartbleed bug cause Melissa to update the PIAOR password from “password1234” to “password12345.”

May 4th – Someone hacks the PIAOR administrative account. The staff decides to blame Zack the intern and lower his pay to him paying them minimum wage.

May 26th – PIAOR remembers those who gave their lives for our country by writing a heartfelt Memorial Day elegy and then posting a piece called “Kermit the Frog’s First Prostate Exam” instead.

June 20th – Zack the intern misses his one-year anniversary dinner with his girlfriend because Lincoln doesn’t know how to use the color printer.

July 19th – After the U.S. bans several Russians for human rights abuses, Russia bans 13 Americans, and the Victoria’s Secret on 13th and Main bans Lincoln for unrelated reasons.

August 23rd – All PIAOR pieces published in the previous three weeks subpoenaed by federal judge.

September 4th – Jordy panics upon realizing that the party he went to wasn’t actually supposed to be murder-mystery themed. He immediately apologizes to the family of the victim.

October 29th – Reports that Fireball whiskey contains an ingredient also used in antifreeze cause Melissa to postpone the PIAOR Halloween party so that there’s time to get more Fireball for it.

November 7th – Samsung releases the Gear S, a smartwatch which has been called one of the worst gadgets of 2014, which makes the PIAOR staff pretty grateful we never tried to patent our own invention, the potato-battery-powered life-support machine.

December 29th – Zack the intern misses the PIAOR holiday party because the staff tells him he has to copy-edit this piece instead. Dickheads.

-Jordy Greenblatt and Lincoln Sedlacek