PUT IT ALL ON RED

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The Bachelor, Season 20, in Graphs

by Melissa Chiasson

 

 

This Day in History: Mar. 10, 431 B.C

by Lincoln Sedlacek

A hummus stain starts the Peloponnesian War.

Beauty and the Beast Deleted Scenes

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • A deleted scene at the beginning where the sorceress who cursed the Beast also curses the town where Belle lives so that, without realizing it, they all speak in English despite living in France.
  • Mrs. Potts’ lament, where she shares what it’s like for her son, Chip, to have experienced such a traumatic head injury.
  • A segment where Cogsworth helps Belle fill out the 27 pages of paperwork required for her to access the Forbidden West Wing.
  • Right after the song Something There That Wasn’t There Before, where we find out that the “something” Belle was referring to was a bit of spinach between the Beast’s teeth.
  • The part at the end where Lumière changes back from a candle into a live man with his head on fire.

Tip of the Day #7242

by Lincoln Sedlacek

You catch more flies with flypaper than with vinegar.

Questions to Ask Yourself Before Moving for Love

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • If you moved and things didn’t work out, would you or your partner resent the other?
  • Have you and your partner discussed a long-term future together?
  • Are you sure?
  • Sometimes you think you and your partner are discussing a long-term future together, but what you’re really discussing is what it would take to convince you to move wherever they go to chase their dreams. Not exactly a question, but important to think about nonetheless.
  • Is the new city one you can picture yourself being happy in?
  • At the very least, is the new city one you can picture yourself not living in Cleveland in?
  • Who are you trying to convince by looking something like this up on the internet, anyway? You realize pretty much the only possible answer is “yourself,” right?
  • Okay, so you say you wouldn’t resent your partner if you moved and things didn’t work out. Let’s litmus-test that: do you already find yourself resenting your partner for minor things, like never liking your Facebook posts or frequently eating the last brownie?
  • Can you afford the move?
  • If not, can you afford hearing the implied “I told you so” in your mother’s voice when you call her to ask for money?
  • Do you love your relationship with this person more than you love your local craft beer?

Rules to Be Instated at the Next GOP Debate

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  1. Candidates allowed to participate in the next GOP debate will be limited to those that can pass the Miss Manners course, “Conversational Etiquette 101: Not Interrupting.”

  2. Before walking onstage, all candidates will sign an honor policy stating that they will make no factually inaccurate claims, unless doing so would help them win the nomination.

  3. After opening statements, the moderators will explain to the audience that each of them has several buttons on their armrest – one for each candidate onstage. If, at any point, over half of audience members are holding down the button for a candidate, that candidate will drop through the trapdoor beneath them into a large vat of manure.

  4. If a candidate is given the opportunity to respond to another candidate’s statement, and they respond by singing the opening lyrics to “Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better” from Annie Get Your Gun, their time limit will be waived and they’ll be allowed to finish the song.

  5. Hired tattoo artists will be on hand in case any of the candidates feel comfortable getting any of the policy statements they make permanently tattooed across their chests.

  6. Halfway through the debate, the broadcasting station will confer with mental health centers and suicide hotlines across the country to ensure the debate isn’t posing a significant risk to the well-being of the American people.

  7. Whenever a candidate fails to answer a direct question, a moderator will pick three unpleasant nicknames for that candidate submitted by viewers through Twitter. They will then proceed to read those nicknames repeatedly for a full minute.

  8. Any candidate that utters the words, “I’m the only one on stage who has…” will be slimed, courtesy of Nickelodeon.

  9. Moderators will be required to ask candidates at least one question on the subject of global warming that will be ignored in favor of the lobbing of personal insults.
  10. Although moderators are supposed to remain impartial, each will be given one free pass to put their head into their hands and sigh deeply.

  11. Instead of allowing the candidates to make closing statements, moderators will spend the last five minutes of the debate extending heartfelt apologies to any women, immigrants, Muslims, LGBT-identified individuals, or other members of minority groups watching the leading representatives of one of America’s main political parties.

This Day in History: Mar. 3, 154 Million B.C.

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Dinosaurs open the first Starbucks.

Catchphrases I’d Use if I Were a Judge for the NBA Dunk Contest

by Melissa Chiasson

“Hoop! There it is.”

“And down goes the old leather pumpkin!”

“Looks like someone took a class in underwater basket-DUNKING in college.”

“It must be the evening after Jaime broke up with me and destroyed my self confidence, because there are NO REBOUNDS TONIGHT!”

“Dunk, dunk, goose!”

“I like my basketball hoops the same way I like my Oreos – DOUBLE STUFFED.”

“Michael Jordan might have had jumps, but my goodness does this kid have him beat in the elaborate bicep tattoo category.”

“Anyone in the mood for a snack? Because there are some DUNKAROOS out on that court.”

“I’ve got a fever, and the only prescription is more balls going in. Wait, can I get a redo?”

Just a Thought: Realism in TV Shows

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Friday’s new season of House of Cards is going to be the first season of the show where the political plot – a presidential race – is more believable than its real-world counterpart.

Skype Call Quality Survey

by Lincoln Sedlacek

How would you rate the quality of this call?

 

How would you rate the quality of your significant other during this call?

 

How many times was the phrase “relationship issues” used during this call?

 

Would the sound quality of this conversation have been better had you been in Cleveland with your significant other, talking to them in person?

 

More importantly, are you willing to move to Cleveland for something you’re no longer quite sure is love?

 

Please select any video issues you experienced during the call.
Ο Video was grainy
Ο Video was jumpy, like your significant other any time you used the word “commitment”
Ο Image froze – only a few times, but somehow it always managed to catch your significant other looking at their phone

 

Please check all of the audio issues you experienced during this call.
Ο Echo, specifically of the phrase, “I don’t understand what I’m supposed to do about that!”
Ο Audio was slightly behind video and way behind where you had hoped your relationship would be after two years
Ο Audio cut out more often than your significant other did the month after your dog died

 

Would this call have been more enjoyable if, instead of talking to your significant other, you had just talked to yourself while pretending a banana you were holding was a phone?

 

Did the call disconnect?
If so, please select the reason for the disconnection.
Ο Connection to internet was poor
Ο Your significant other’s connection to internet was poor – even worse than their connection to you
Ο You disconnected on purpose because your significant other is a mediocre conversationalist

 

Would you like to contact a Skype Support Representative in your area and see if they are free for drinks?

 

 

 

–Melissa Chiasson and Lincoln Sedlacek

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