“I tell you the truth, one of you will betray me. Later tonight, when we are playing Sorry!”
–Jesus Christ
One can dramatically decrease their risk of bacterial infection by not injecting cultures of bacteria directly into their veins.
Card: A cartoonish dog is holding up a cake against a tackily-colored background. The inside says, “Happy Father’s Day,” under which a handwritten note reads, “I couldn’t think of what to write here, but I hope you enjoy your present!”
Meaning: “Please show this card to Mom. It will make her feel better after she realizes how much more money I spent on your Father’s Day gift than her Mother’s Day gift.”
Card: A single American flag stands against a cloudless sky. On the inside are the hastily scrawled words, “Happy Father’s Day,” a heartfelt note, and a $50 gift card to Applebee’s.
Meaning: “I felt really bad about forgetting Father’s Day until it was so late that the only cards left were for the Fourth of July.”
Card: On the front there’s a little kid’s baseball glove nestled inside of an adult baseball glove, kind of like they’re two hands holding each other. It says, “To the dad who was always ready to play catch.” The inside has a handwritten note that looks like it was made illegible on purpose.
Meaning: “Thank you for always accepting me, provided I lived up to your standards of masculinity from a very early age.”
Card: A macaroni card showing a father and his child holding hands. The inside reads, “No matter how old I am, I’ll always be your little boy/girl–and you’ll always be my dad.”
Meaning: “I do not have enough money to buy a real present, or a real card. This card was an entire day’s worth of meals.”
Card: The front shows a stapler and the words, “Thanks for holding everything together.” The inside says “We wouldn’t be where we are without you. Happy [scribbled out] Day!” with the word “Father’s” written over the scribbled out bit.
Meaning: “I wanted to get you a card that made it clear how great I thought you were as a stay-at-home dad. But thanks to the sexism in the greeting card industry, the closest I could come was getting you an Administrative Professionals’ Day card and making a few strategic alterations.”
Card: A father and son are smiling as they sit in a boat and fish. On the inside it says, “Here’s to the good times. Happy Father’s Day.”
Meaning: “The only good times we had were when we sat in silence and lured animals to their death.”
What is the style of contestant’s t-shirt?
Threadcount of t-shirt is approximately…
Is t-shirt properly hemmed? If not, ask contestant whether he or she has access to a qualified tailor.
When contestant pours water over t-shirt, shirt looks
Upon inspection, how wet is contestant’s t-shirt?
Has contestant competed before in the same t-shirt? If so, rate durability of t-shirt on scale of 1-10.
Overall impression of t-shirt quality, including water retention during chest shake, is
Contestant’s motivation appears to be
With all the controversy surrounding Rachel Dolezal, one thought keeping going through my head: Would Garrison Keillor’s career ever recover if it came out that he wasn’t actually from Lake Wobegon?
Dedicated to Walter Greenblatt, Happy Birthday Dad!
-Melissa Chiasson and Jordy Greenblatt
If you don’t want to talk to the people next to you on an airplane, put in earbuds and whenever someone tries to start a conversation say, “I’m sorry – these earbuds aren’t actually attached to anything, but I put them in so that I wouldn’t have to talk to you. Let’s just pretend this never happened, okay?” If they protest, just point at both earbuds and shake your head, mouthing, “Sorry, I can’t hear you.”
“Keep your friends close, and the complimentary cheese tray closer.”
–Benjamin Franklin
PUT IT ALL ON RED 