Answers
Villain: 1,4,5,8
Heartburn: 2,3,6,7,9
Both: 10
Myth: Dolphins are among the most intelligent animals on Earth
Reality: They don’t even know how to walk
Myth: Dolphins engage in recreational sexual activities
Reality: Dolphin sex is a somber affair
Myth: Dolphins use their blowholes to breath
Reality: They can’t breath; they just go through oxygen very, very slowly
Myth: Dolphins make clicking sounds for echolocation
Reality: When they correctly guess where something is, they make clicks to brag about it to the rest of their pods even though it’s just dumb luck
Myth: Dolphins enjoy playing with humans
Reality: They tolerate humans because they are curmudgeonly, misanthropic creatures and the only thing they hate more than humans is other dolphins
Myth: A lot of people think dolphins are fish, but they’re actually mammals
Reality: A lot of people think dolphins are dinosaurs, but they’re actually fish
“This place is great at meeting each of their customer’s unique needs! Not only did they let us watch as they cremated Mrs. Altwood, they let us dance to “Girl on Fire” by Alicia Keys. It was the perfect send off.”
“A total bait and switch. I showed up and asked to see their cream selection and the receptionist told me she didn’t know what I was talking about. Looks like I’m going to continue going to my local farmer’s market, thank you very much.”
“Very satisfied. Woodland Oaks Crematorium didn’t care that we had no official paperwork, and they said it was fine that we didn’t schedule an official appointment and just burned the body while no witnesses were there. Thank you, Woodland Oaks! We will definitely be returning for repeat business. :)”
“This place should have a serious investagation. My pig Tulip was a very big pig and they gave me this very tiny vase and say it has his ash in it? I want to know where the rest of his body went this is definately not all of it.”
“Great bacon in the waiting room.”
“Looks like you’re writing a manifesto. Do you want help building a pipebomb?”
“What would you like to do? Customize grammar and spell check settings? Create and use custom dictionaries? Stop being a little illiterate bitch?”
“Italics denote emphasis, much like how those bangs emphasize your huge forehead.”
“Do you want to save this unfinished novel to the folder “Broken Dreams”?”
“You are seriously going to write that the five days you spent volunteering in Costa Rica junior year was “life-changing”? Christ.”
“Love the screenplay, but does the paperclip have to die in the end?”
If you’re running late for work but you want to make it on time, try driving over the speed limit.
Reorganizing the Closet
Laying a firm foundation of misinformation with one’s family and friends in order to make it easier to perform maintenance lies about one’s sexuality later.
Checking for Monsters in the Closet
A practice only performed by young, naïve gays, in which – despite a certain amount of fear – they carefully scout out the availability of discreet sexual partners.
Installing a Shoe Rack in the Closet
Fabricating a large-scale cover for your extensive collection of flamboyant shoes, like a fictitious aspiration to be a cobbler.
Calling Someone From the Closet to Ask If They’ve Seen Your Jeans
Hinting at the fact that you are gay to a friend or family member, a measure taken to prepare them for your coming out of the closet later.
Calling Someone From the Closet to Ask If They’ve Seen Your Tight, Pink V-Neck Shirt
Like calling someone from the closet to ask if they’ve seen your jeans, but laying it on a whole lot thicker.
Cleaning Out the Closet for Goodwill
Debunking the lies and deceptions that obviously no longer fit after you’ve come out of the closet, and donating the more gently-used lies to your gay friends who are still in the closet.
Repurposing the Closet
After one has come out of the closet, it may be necessary to lie to family members about aspects of your love life for other reasons – for example, if you are currently dating your sister’s closeted fiancé.
Hi, my name is Walter and I am in second grade. I love football! My mom told me that I should write down who I think is going to win the playoff games this weekend because I love football so much and not because she and Dad are gearing up to have a screaming fight!
Seattle vs. Green Bay: This is a tough one to call, because I aspire to have the precision of Russel Wilson and the familial stability of Aaron Rodgers. On the defensive side, I predict cornerback Richard Sherman will be able to shut down wide receiver Jordy Nelson, but it also depends if the Packers’ running game is effective at keeping the Seahawks safeties occupied at the line of scrimmage. In terms of offense, Wilson can depend on Marshawn Lynch to run the ball, and we’ll have to see how Aaron Rodger’s calf strain affects his game. Speaking of strain, I also predict that Dad will somehow find a way to insult Mom’s choice of game-day snack if last week’s Cowboys-Packers loaded potato skins fiasco was any indication. Winner: Seattle. Loser: Walter’s love of appeteasers.
Indianapolis vs. New England: Do you ever wonder what it would be like to live with Tom Brady and Gisele? I do, all the time. Anyway, Andrew Luck and the Colts come into this game as underdogs, facing the two-man scoring machine that is Brady and tight end Rob Gronkowski. Luck will have to connect with wide receiver T. Y. Hilton to get some points on the board, and the Patriots’ defense is no cakewalk. It’s like that time we were at my school carnival, and I was doing the cakewalk, and then Dad left me there because he thought Mom was picking me up, and then I just ended up eating cake with the really nice janitor. I believe in the Colts, I think the Colts are good, and I think they deserve to be loved, even if sometimes they don’t feel that’s true. Winner: Indianapolis. Loser: Tom and Gisele.
Place your bets now so you can win big on Sunday! I will be eating nachos and pretending to be the NFL robot until I fall asleep right after kickoff.
Keep some spare flares in the trunk of your car in case you are unexpectedly invited to a rave.
For years, we at Kelly’s Bakery have loved bringing Seattle delicious cupcakes for all occasions. And through all those years, there’s one question we’ve been asked more than any other: “What’s the secret to making such delicious cupcakes?”
Well, there are a lot of things that go into making our special cupcakes: a top-notch, worker-friendly kitchen; quality, FDA-approved organic ingredients; and, yes, a bit of passion-driven culinary genius. But what really makes our cupcakes the best in Seattle? That’s easy: demonic rituals.
Every cupcake Kelly’s sells is made that day. As you can imagine, that means work has to start early. The first employees arrive at 4:00 AM to start heating up the ovens, making the batter and icing, and – most importantly – begin draining the blood of a new-born lamb to summon Likkn’ath, Master of the Eternal Flame. This all might sound like it could be done in 30 minutes, but in reality, it takes two and a half hours. That’s because we allow extra time to make sure the consistency of the icing is absolutely perfect – and also because if you drain a lamb’s blood too quickly, it’ll die before you can finish reciting the Rites of Fellora, which must be chanted in their entirety to ensure our cupcakes are at their moistest.
Once the batter is mixed and the ovens are hot, it’s time to start baking. Our regular cupcakes are made 240 at a time in our five commercial ovens, but the deluxe cupcakes have to be made seven at a time in our specially-made brick oven, which is large enough that we can burn one of our competitors alive inside of it as an offering to Zelok, Demoness of Rivalry and Envy.
From there, the cupcakes go to the decorators. Each kind takes a different amount of time to be iced and decorated. For example, our peanut-butter bombs take only twenty seconds to receive their regular coating of chocolate icing, while our spring special, the honeycombcakes, take five minutes to receive their signature hexagonal pattern, along with their sugary bee toppers. And then there’s the salted caramel – it requires a whole fifteen minutes to be annointed in the tears of a worker who has betrayed Likkn’ath as the traitor is tortured over his former cooling rack.
Finally, there’s the moment the cupcake is eaten. Cake, creamy filling, icing, sprinkles, and the powers of darkness combine to make the perfect culinary experience in one’s mouth, but the real magic happens in the back room. There, several Kelly’s acolytes form a circle around a young male virgin and perform a ritual to transport him to the gates of Hell itself, all so that the lucky customer in the next room can experience a moment of pure ecstasy as they bite into one of our delicious desserts.
Yes, cupcake-lovers, it’s true: making the best cupcakes in Seattle doesn’t come easy. There’s a lot of hard work, devotion, and sacrifice involved. But in the end, when I see the satisfaction we bring our customers, I know all the blood, sweat, and tears are worth it. Whoever’s they are.
PUT IT ALL ON RED 