PUT IT ALL ON RED

“Nevertheless, enthusiasm for the Mars One scheme has been of middle-school proportions. Last year, the outfit announced that it was seeking potential colonists and that anybody over age 18 could apply, advanced degrees or no.” —The New York Times, December 8, 2014

1. Why would you like to go to Mars?

Webster’s defines “Mars” as “the planet fourth in order from the sun and conspicuous for its red color.” Webster’s defines “conspicuous” as “obvious to the eye or mind,” which definitely helped me out with the first definition. I define Mars as a place to test my resiliency, forge bonds with fellow space enthusiasts, and build a thriving sex tourism operation from the ground-up. It won’t be easy, I know. Having to say goodbye to loved ones you will never see again, traveling for months to reach an unknown, and becoming the madam of a space brothel are no easy feats. But I am confident in my abilities as a leader and sex trafficker to boldly go where no man or prostitute has gone before.

2. How would you describe your sense of humor?

Hilarious! Love the cartoon Cathy (RIP), Dane Cook, and the Geico Gecko.

3. What makes you the perfect candidate for this mission to Mars?

36-24-36. Also an astrophysicist.

1. Overall Experience – How would you describe your experience with Tammy’s?
   1. Terrorific
   2. Spooktacular
   3. Frightastic
   4. Unsatisfactory
2. Hold Music – What would be your ideal hold music?
   1. The Time Warp
   2. Monster Mash
   3. Creepy forest sounds
   4. Leave it as Bad Bad Leroy Brown
3. Costume Selection – How did you feel about our costume selection?
   1. Eerily extensive
   2. Scandalously seductive
   3. Boo-dget friendly
   4. Disproportionately focused on racial stereotypes
4. Staff Interaction – How would you describe your interaction with Tammy’s staff?
   1. Hauntingly helpful
   2. Frightfully friendly
   3. Chillingly competent
   4. A little too handsy in the dressing room… and the cash register
5. Store Location – How would you describe the store’s current site?
   1. Wickedly well-maintained
   2. Creepily convenient
   3. Scarily safe
   4. Confusingly close to Trashy Tammy’s Coochie Palace

-Melissa Chiasson and Jordy Greenblatt

When I press the horn on my sleek red convertible, it’s going to cause some heads to turn. This is because when somebody hears a car horn blare out a complete sentence at top volume, they very rarely ignore it. I am extrapolating from what I imagine my own reaction would be in that scenario, but it seems like a reasonable assumption.

I don’t appreciate figurative speech. I have as much subtlety as the second ‘t’ in the word ‘subtlety,’ which is pronounced exactly as the letter ‘t’ is named. When I look for a car that says a particular phrase or sentence, I want it engineered to do so plainly and audibly.

If the car didn’t announce its purpose loudly and in clear language, there’s no guarantee that passersby would even notice it, let along register its significance as an indicator of my lucrative business dealings. I don’t want there to be any ambiguity or speculation concerning my socioeconomic status. I want people to know that I belong squarely to the upper echelons of society without expending time or energy on arriving to this conclusion.

I have various other ideas to further propagate the news of my wealth using my new car. Perhaps I could affix decals printed daily that bare the date and my net worth as of that morning. If the sheer fact that I spend money so frivolously that I have a standing daily contract with a decal printer doesn’t alert people to my fortune, the enumeration of my net worth will certainly elucidate that point.

Ideally I would like screens on the sides of the car that indicate my net worth, updating in real time. However, I am a pragmatist and I don’t think this technology can be reliably installed on the exterior of a car. Therefore, I am willing to settle for advertising my wealth with the simple and informative car horn message above as an air cannon showers the sidewalks with photos of myself dressed in expensive suits and shaking hands with rich and famous people.

Respond to emails within 24 hours

Assert your dominance by marking your territory with urine and wearing a blazer

Make a list of short-, midrange-, and long-term goals

Lick every inch of your body at least twice a day

Work with other lemurs to achieve your goals

Do not eat young

Pursue your interests, like flute, or yoga, or pooping in a tree hole

Two fictional mainstays, one of the DC comic universe, the other of Judy Blume’s Fudge children’s series. The question is… Who would win in a fight?

In one corner, there’s Batman: a trained fighter who has spent years bringing down the most dangerous criminals known to mankind, clad in bulletproof armor and wielding a deadly arsenal of weapons and tactical gear. In the other corner, there’s Superfudge: the imaginary alter-ego of a hyperactive six-year-old child who – according to his older brother, Peter – is the biggest pain ever invented.

Now, at first glance, it might seem like Superfudge has a lot of advantages in this battle. He’s smaller and wears no armor, making him quicker and more agile. He’s also a lot younger than Batman, giving him energy that the Caped Crusader – fit as he is – hasn’t seen in decades. However, Batman his own advantages – for example, Bruce Wayne’s muscle and weaponry far surpasses that of a young child. Even if Superfudge were to run a few circles around Batman and maybe hold something gross right under his nose, that’s no match for a devastating punch to the face, which could probably dislocate a six-year-old’s jaw in one go.

“But wait!” you might say. “Superfudge may not have the high ground physically, but what about his intellectual advantages! He knows a lot of big words – he could use those to confuse Batman and throw him off his game!”

This is a fair point, but Superfudge has his own intellectual deficiencies; for example, he doesn’t know where babies come from. All Batman has to do is mention that, and Superfudge will be even more confused, more than leveling the playing field. And then it won’t be long before the Dark Knight is delivering an armored knee directly into Superfudge’s sternum, knocking the wind out of him and disorienting him so much that he won’t see the blades on Batman’s metal gauntlets until it’s too late.

Of course, one might say that, as a last resort, Superfudge could run away and hide. Assuming Batman doesn’t “win” until he kills Superfudge, this tactic could deprive him of victory. And assuming Batman then tries to find Superfudge, this could give the toddler the opportunity to execute a surprise attack from close range – giving him a fighting chance to catch the Bat off-guard.

Unfortunately, even if Superfudge wanted to employ this tactic, he wouldn’t stand much of a chance. As soon as he turned his back, he would be allowing Batsy to switch to a fully offensive stance, and then it’d only be a few seconds before a deadly batarang was lodged firmly between Superfudge’s shoulder blades.

In the end, it all comes down to Batman’s strength, fighting experience, and extensive armory of weapons and gadgets. Superfudge’s brother may have thought that he was the greatest nuisance in existence, but annoying your older brother is quite different from trying to defeat one of the greatest detectives and fighters of all-time. I would say the Batman is the guaranteed victor here, with Superfudge lasting about five seconds before he has been killed by an armored punch or kick or run down by the Batmobile.

• April Anxiety
• May Manic-Depression
• June Jitters
• July Jonesing
• August Angst
• September Syphilis-Induced Dementia
• October Obsessive-Compulsions
• November Nymphomania
• Debcmeer Dyslexia

-Melissa Chiasson, Jordy Greenblatt, Lincoln Sedlacek

Best Unoriginal Screenplay:
The Expendables 3

Best Sound and Drink Mixing:
Bar scene, X-Men: Days of Future Past

Most Apes:
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

Best Dog in a Leading Role:
Ruggles, American Sniper

Best Person in a Leading Role Who Is Not a White Male:
Benedict Cumberbatch, The Imitation Game

Best Bradley Cooper Impression:
Ruggles, American Sniper

Best Makeup and Hairstyling and Plastic Surgery:
Godzilla, Godzilla

Most Improved Hotness in an Actor Transitioning From TV:
Chris Pratt, Guardians of the Galaxy 

Most Spelling Errors in a Title:
The Granned Bupadust Hotelle

Best Feature Film Based on a YouTube Video of Dancing Cats:
Boyhood 

Worst Snubbing of a Movie Illustrating the Tragic Parallels Between the Overt Discrimination of the Past and the Better Hidden Institutionalized Racism of the Present:
Transformers: Age of Extinction

-Melissa Chiasson, Jordy Greenblatt, Lincoln Sedlacek