My Mars One Application

by Melissa Chiasson

“Nevertheless, enthusiasm for the Mars One scheme has been of middle-school proportions. Last year, the outfit announced that it was seeking potential colonists and that anybody over age 18 could apply, advanced degrees or no.” —The New York Times, December 8, 2014

1. Why would you like to go to Mars?

Webster’s defines “Mars” as “the planet fourth in order from the sun and conspicuous for its red color.” Webster’s defines “conspicuous” as “obvious to the eye or mind,” which definitely helped me out with the first definition. I define Mars as a place to test my resiliency, forge bonds with fellow space enthusiasts, and build a thriving sex tourism operation from the ground-up. It won’t be easy, I know. Having to say goodbye to loved ones you will never see again, traveling for months to reach an unknown, and becoming the madam of a space brothel are no easy feats. But I am confident in my abilities as a leader and sex trafficker to boldly go where no man or prostitute has gone before.

2. How would you describe your sense of humor?

Hilarious! Love the cartoon Cathy (RIP), Dane Cook, and the Geico Gecko.

3. What makes you the perfect candidate for this mission to Mars?

36-24-36. Also an astrophysicist.