New content every weekday. Sometimes.
Category: Lists
by Jordy Greenblatt
Aladdin: Hassan, an enchanted fez whose hopeless crush on Jasmine’s headband causes him to feel self-conscious about his stained felt and fraying tassels
The Lion King: Mosalo, the giraffe interior decorator of Pride Rock whose suggestions generally involve heightening doorways
Snow White: Rusty, the eighth dwarf whose out of date mining tools regularly cause the “____ days without an accident” counter to reset
The Little Mermaid: Starry, a starfish always looking for excuses to practice her underwater cartwheels
Mulan: Xin Liu, a fortune cookie who announces his consistently grisly predictions through a Daffy Duck-like lisp
Beauty and the Beast: Floretta, Belle’s laundry chute who frequently complains about her sweat stains and mocks her taste in dresses
Toy Story: Mr. Wiggles, a mysterious tube-like toy confined to Andy’s Mom’s nightstand
by Jordy Greenblatt
Fairytale themed burger joint, “Hansel and Griddle”
Spy themed pancake house, “Syruptitious”
Classic sitcom themed salad restaurant, “Leaf it to Beaver”
French Revolution themed cocktail lounge, “The Guillotini”
Billboard Top 40 themed sushi bar, “Call me Maki”
Murder mystery themed coffeehouse, “Murder on the Orient Espresso”
Olympic themed Chinese restaurant, “Miracle on Rice”
Classic movie themed bakery, “Citizen Cake”
Americana themed pub, “Stars and Tripe”
Spanish Civil War themed steakhouse, “Homage to Cattleonia”
Wild West themed curry stand, “Cowboys and Indians”
by Jordy Greenblatt
Drunk
Sweaty
Correct
Naked
Gassy
Happy
Unhappy
Opinionated
Lithuanian
by Melissa Chiasson
Update this blog.
Floss.
Send Ryan Lochte love letters along with nude photos of myself spelling out “Jeah!’ in various compromising positions.
Succeed at learning the dance to “Single Ladies.”
Read War and Peace .
Read Gravity’s Rainbow .
Read.
Watch the RNC without crying.
Tell Jordy and River that I slept with both of their moms. Up top!
Play jai alai.
Challenge the drive-through cashier at a suburban Maryland Taco Bell to a fight while spilling an order of Nachos Supreme all over myself and crying.
Finish my memoirs.
Answer those phone calls from Ryan Lochte’s lawyers.
Conquer an island nation and have them anoint me as their queen.
Call the nearest Papa John’s and order 25 pizzas for a “Mr. Fartface.”
Align my chakras.
Establish a rigorous “No Pants” policy at my apartment.
Win the lottery, meaning this blog had better be my ticket to making millions, or I’m going to be super pissed.
by Jordy Greenblatt
Watchable Hugh Grant Movies
Impressive Physical Challenges That I Bested Against All Odds
Tom Jones Songs That Don’t Creep Me Out at Least a Little
“That’s What She Said” Jokes That I Don’t Regret Making
Fates too Cruel to Befall Hugh Grant
Times When I Thought of a Clever Joke That Might Piss Someone off but Then Thought, “Maybe Some Things Are Best Left Unsaid”
Non-Icelandic People who Can Correctly Pronounce Reykjavik
Times When Knowing All the Words to a Weird Al Song Came in Handy
Movie Roles That Could Have Been Enhanced if Played by Air-Headed Pretty Boy Hugh Grant
Responsible Settings in Which to Drink Four Loko
Sharp Turns I Made While Driving That I Didn’t Feel Required Me to Make Race Car Noises
People I Like Named Hugh Grant
by Jordy Greenblatt
Saying “Up top!” and going for a high five at the end
Winking at every receptionist
Giving myself a pep talk during the actual interview
Complimenting interviewer on his “Romanesque physique”
Not wearing my lucky underwear
Not wearing any underwear
Using the made-up word “frabtabulous” to describe my Microsoft Excel abilities
Writing “Hammertime” in the “Time of Appointment” column of the sign-in sheet
Challenging HR representative to Mountain Dew drinking contest
Lying on my résumé
Lying that I was a Chippendale’s dancer on my résumé
Getting caught taking money out of interviewer’s wallet
Responding to every question in the form of a question like on Jeopardy
Asking to keep photo of HR representative’s family on vacation
Drumming on manager’s bald head
Pretending to eat priceless Fabergé egg
Eating Fabergé egg
Trying to turn bathroom line into conga line
Doing entire interview in Christopher Walken impression
Writing “Humor Blogger” under “Work Experience” on my résumé
PUT IT ALL ON RED 