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Things I Did Not Do This Summer
by Melissa Chiasson
- Update this blog.
- Send Ryan Lochte love letters along with nude photos of myself spelling out “Jeah!’ in various compromising positions.
- Succeed at learning the dance to “Single Ladies.”
- Read War and Peace.
- Read Gravity’s Rainbow.
- Watch the RNC without crying.
- Tell Jordy and River that I slept with both of their moms. Up top!
- Play jai alai.
- Challenge the drive-through cashier at a suburban Maryland Taco Bell to a fight while spilling an order of Nachos Supreme all over myself and crying.
- Finish my memoirs.
- Answer those phone calls from Ryan Lochte’s lawyers.
- Conquer an island nation and have them anoint me as their queen.
- Call the nearest Papa John’s and order 25 pizzas for a “Mr. Fartface.”
- Align my chakras.
- Establish a rigorous “No Pants” policy at my apartment.
- Win the lottery, meaning this blog had better be my ticket to making millions, or I’m going to be super pissed.
Mo, how we’ve missed you! Good to have you back.