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Things I Did Not Do This Summer
by Melissa Chiasson
- Update this blog.
- Send Ryan Lochte love letters along with nude photos of myself spelling out “Jeah!’ in various compromising positions.
- Succeed at learning the dance to “Single Ladies.”
- Read War and Peace.
- Read Gravity’s Rainbow.
- Watch the RNC without crying.
- Tell Jordy and River that I slept with both of their moms. Up top!
- Play jai alai.
- Challenge the drive-through cashier at a suburban Maryland Taco Bell to a fight while spilling an order of Nachos Supreme all over myself and crying.
- Finish my memoirs.
- Answer those phone calls from Ryan Lochte’s lawyers.
- Conquer an island nation and have them anoint me as their queen.
- Call the nearest Papa John’s and order 25 pizzas for a “Mr. Fartface.”
- Align my chakras.
- Establish a rigorous “No Pants” policy at my apartment.
- Win the lottery, meaning this blog had better be my ticket to making millions, or I’m going to be super pissed.