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Month: May, 2015

from PIAOR’s Book of Quotations, page 62

by Lincoln Sedlacek

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with one realizing they forgot their good hiking boots after they’re already 37 miles from home.”
–Lao Tzu

TV Show Pitches That Did Not Get Me a Job as a Screenwriter

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Marco Polo
Jared is his high school water polo team’s bench warmer. But his luck changes when he adopts a stray octopus at the beach, who he names Marco. Marco turns out to be a natural at water polo, and soon becomes the high school’s star athlete. But will the team lose regionals when the Director of the Virginia High School Water Polo League questions an octopus’s eligibility to play? Not after Marco strangles him with his own tentacles.

Four Score and Seven Shots Ago
It’s the middle of the Civil War, when the Chief of Staff realizes that an obscure clause in the Constitution says the President must have a college degree. Lincoln is forced to go back to school and work toward a B.A. in Communications so that he can remain the President, but earning a diploma is hard work when your main extracurricular is running the Civil War.

Alien vs. Customer
A bloodthirsty, reptilian alien crashes in the middle of rural Montana and, in an attempt to keep a low profile, takes a customer service job at a local Macy’s. In each episode he almost gets discovered due to his ignorance of summer fashion, his heated conflicts with daytime supervisor Kevin, and his tendency to eat the customers. But he never actually gets fired because he’s really good at managing the changing rooms.

You’re Driving Me Nuts!
Mr. Appleton finds a family of squirrels living inside a tree outside his bedroom window, and decides the best way to get rid of them is to cut it down. He soon discovers he underestimated the squirrels’ wiles when they lure him into the tool shed, eat his eyeballs, and turn his skin into a family quilt. That’s the pilot; the rest of the show is about the squirrels trying to make it big in Hollywood.

Messages for Your Mother’s Day Card

by Melissa Chiasson

  • I’m too broke to get you a gift. Please send more money.
  • You’re my fourth-favorite mother.
  • Please ignore the part of this card that says, “Insert gift card here.”
  • Enclosed is $78 in one dollar bills. Spend them on something fun! But definitely wash your hands after you touch them.
  • I couldn’t think of what to write, so I just glued in my favorite quotes from 50 Shades of Grey.
  • I’ve watched you open Mother’s Day cards from me for 24 years, and I can tell you never actually read the heart-felt messages I write. So I guess it’s pretty safe to tell you to go fuck yourself here.
  • Can I come home yet?
  • I wish we talked more. Maybe you should extend my phone’s data plan.
  • Your gift is this tube of lipstick. The color is called, “Sensual beast.” I saw it and I thought of you.
  • I never understood why they say you should stop breastfeeding.
  • These edible panties are a token of my gratitude for your years of loving care.
  • I think Oedipus had it just about figured out, baby.
  • Webster’s defines “mother” as “ a malicious, spiteful, or overbearing woman.” Whoops, that’s actually the definition of bitch, but I think “mother” was one of the synonyms.
  • Mom, you carried me for nine months, can I sleep in your basement rent-free for 12?
  • I bet Jeff didn’t get a handwritten Mothers Day card. Who’s the disappointing son now?
  • I bought you chocolates but I got hungry and ate them. They were fucking amazing.
  • It’s Dad or me. You have to choose.
  • Happy Mothers Day! I got you a life-sized replica of Dan Aykroyd’s cone from Coneheads.
  • Roses are red, violets are blue, I came out of your vag, covered in goo. Happy Mother’s Day!

–Melissa Chiasson, Jordy Greenblatt, and Lincoln Sedlacek

PIAOR How: So You Want to Buy a Car

by Melissa Chiasson

(1) Decide what kind of car you’re looking for and research its availability at the dealerships in your area. This part is important – for example, a Volvo dealership is a good place to get a reliable sedan, but a bad place if you’re looking for a fire engine or a monster truck.

(2) Before you head to the dealership, do some price comparisons online. Compare interest rates and financing programs. You can also contact dealerships to see if they’ll give you trade-in values on your used dirt bike, childhood Hot Wheels set, or leftover box of chicken taquitos.

Note: If you’re talking to dealerships on the phone at this point, remember that “interest rate” and “incest rate” are not the same thing. That can get you in a whole world of trouble.

(3) Once you have a general idea of what kind of car you want, where you can find it, and what price you can expect, head to the dealership you think is best! Remember to dress for the upcoming price negotiation, though. Find out your sales associate’s worst fears (vampires, death, spiders) and dress up like something that plays to those fears (Dracula, the Grim Reaper, Charlotte from Charlotte’s Web).

(4) As soon as you get to the dealership, check to see if they have Knight Rider. They probably don’t, but it’s worth a shot.

(5) Settle on the make and model of the car with your salesperson. An important consideration here is how easy it is to have sex with someone in the back seat. Are there obtrusive armrests in the way? How easy is it to clean the fabric? Is there a teflon coating option? If space is a concern, you may want to ask the dealer to join you in the vehicle for a few minutes of clothes-on thrusting to test out this feature.

(6) Having settled on a make and model, bring the discussion to optional features and add-ons. For example, some people will tell you that four cup holders is enough, but those people don’t know how to party. Insist on a minimum of eight cup holders, no matter the price.

Note: Does the car have “Pussy Wagon” spray-painted on the back? If not, ask the salesperson about available “Pussy Wagon” packages.

(7) Take the car out for a test drive. If you turn on the engine and 4 Minutes by Madonna and Justin Timberlake doesn’t immediately start to play, that’s not the car for you.

(8) Once you’ve settled on a car, it’s time to start negotiating price and financing. The final price will likely be midway between your initial offer and the sticker price, so always make an initial offer of $0. Also, one of the ways dealerships make money is through expensive financing programs. Don’t get talked into low monthly payments, because they’ll take years to pay off; instead, offer to pay in “antique” ivory.

We hope this guide has helped you buy the car you want; congratulations on your new purchase! All that’s left to do is leave a lasting impression on the salesman by blasting Lenny Kravitz’s “American Woman” on the radio, peeling out of the lot, and running into a hot dog stand.

–Jordy Greenblatt, Lincoln Sedlacek, and Melissa Chiasson, certified mechanic

Tip of the Day #664

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Societal norms allow concert attendees to scream, “I love this song!” three times; however, funeral attendees should do this no more than once.

I’m Beginning to Think “BBC America” and the “English Channel” Might Not Be the Same Thing

by Jordy Greenblatt

Last week my friend Jane said that I needed to check out Orphan Black as soon as humanly possible. She said it the best sci fi series she’d seen since Firefly. She told me a little about it and I was sold immediately. I’ve always been fascinated by the idea of human cloning as a thought experiment and it sounds like they took it in a really creative direction. And in the two clips she showed me, Tatiana Maslany was amazing. I legitimately thought they got different actresses to play the clones until Jane told me that it was all her.

Now, as I gasp for air a few miles away off the Cliffs of Dover, I wish I had done a little more research.

from PIAOR’s Book of Quotations, page 73

by Lincoln Sedlacek

“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because you got laid.”
–Dr. Seuss

The Watching-Paint-Dry Scale of Task Boringness

by Lincoln Sedlacek

10 – Purely banality
As boring as watching beige paint dry on a smooth wall in a completely silent room, where you are completely paralyzed and are capable of doing nothing but watching. A person who ranks at a 10 on the WPD Scale would require an extinction-level event to wake them from their stupor, after which they would have just enough time to be thankful for the sweet, peaceful oblivion that is death.

9 – Mind-numbingly mundane
Like watching taupe paint dry on a wall with a single irregularity, which provides enough drama to maintain neural activity, but too little drama to stop someone from wishing a porcupine would crawl down their throat just to spice things up a bit.

8 – Lifelessly monotonous
Akin to watching brown-, sand-, or gray-colored paint dry on a wall with one or two cracks running through it. Perhaps the most terrible place to fall on the WPD Scale, as one retains the capacity for human thought well enough to understand how miserable their situation is. A task this boring, while not quelling cranial functions, is still dull enough to make the world’s most talented meditator dissolve into tears.

7 – Tedious
For example, watching paint of any non-vibrant color (like maroon or puce) dry while the muffled sounds of a movie come from the next room. The movie sounds like it could be interesting, but it’s impossible to tell. All that is known is that in another room, people are interested in something, and all you have to occupy yourself is puce.

6 – Slightly unsettlingly boring
Like watching paint dry in an apartment that is slightly less than completely furnished. The TV isn’t working and your phone is dead, and you feel like you should be able to find something interesting to do, but you can’t think of anything that seems worth doing. People ranking at a 6 on the WPD Scale will continue in this way for hours, but will eventually occupy themselves by spending a half-hour deciding where to get take-out from.

5 – Uninteresting
As boring as watching paint dry where the paint also happens to include the text of the technical details for the Maytag Centennial 7.0-Cubic-Foot Gas Dryer. It is possible that a person might find a task ranking at a 5 on the WPD scale to be interesting, but only under very specific circumstances.

4 – Fleetingly engaging
Similar to watching paint dry as a single drop accumulates and dribbles down the wall while an ant desperately crawls away from it, avoiding being trapped within its soon-to-dry liquid mass. It does provide some level of intrigue, but within a minute the ant dies. After a few minutes of considering the fragility of life, the task becomes fully uninteresting once again.

3 – Provocative
A task ranking at a 3 is like watching a paint Rorschach test dry. What was a powerful panther becomes your scolding parents, before they become two French porcupines making love in your refrigerator. This paint would score between 60% and 70% on Rotten Tomatoes as it dries. Still, a viewer would certainly be aware that they could be watching more interesting things, like a live feed of echidnas from French Guiana having sex in a microwave.

2 – Intensely suspenseful
Like watching scarlet paint dry, only the coat that has been applied to the wall is too thick, and now the paint is starting to slowly – glacially, really – dribble down the wall toward the pure-white floor molding. You are powerless to do anything to stop the paint, but you know that Jacob will divorce you if the molding is stained with red in any way. He told you to cover it in painter’s tape, but you didn’t listen to him. Now you can only watch the paint dry – and wonder if your relationship will survive the journey.

1 – Enthralling, miraculous
Comparable to watching paint start to dry, but instead become alive. The paint has its own energy, its own sentience. Within its existence lie infinite possibilities – exotic creatures, human-level intelligence, art, wars, love, hatred, laughter, beauty, and a new path of the history of the universe. All that, and it’s got a cool polka-dot pattern, too.

0 – Awe-inspiring divinity
You’re watching paint dry, but the experience is being narrated by Morgan Freeman.

from PIAOR’s Book of Quotations, page 86

by Lincoln Sedlacek

“Be yourself. Beyoncé is already taken.”

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