New content every weekday. Sometimes.

Month: April, 2015

Signs That Spring Is Here

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Punxsutawney Phil finally willing to show his face again
  • First robins seen performing big Spring opening number on Broadway
  • Sun finally visible wearing large pair of sunglasses
  • Heated debates between parents and preteens about whether shorts are currently appropriate outdoor wear
  • Boston down to 10 feet of snow

My Saturday Night in One Graph

by Melissa Chiasson


Tip of the Day #899

by Jordy Greenblatt

It was Eleanor Roosevelt who said, “No one can jump out from behind a mailbox, punch you in the crotch, and run away screaming without your consent.”

Porn Parodies of Educational Computer Games From the 90s

by Jordy Greenblatt

  • Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego’s Clitoris
  • Orgasm Trail
  • Pleasure Mountain!
  • Carpet Munchers
  • Rear Rabbit
  • Mavis Beaver Teaches Sucking
  • Ass Blaster
  • Discoveries of the Deep

Tip of the Day #7265

by Lincoln Sedlacek

The secret to properly folding a fitted sheet is storing it under a regular bed sheet when you’re done.

Final Exam for the Class “Listening to Music”

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Please answer each question in essay form in the space provided.

  1. All the lonely people, where do they all come from?
    This is a multi-faceted question. Is it asking where people themselves come from, simultaneously insinuating that all people are lonely? Or is it asking how it is that people arrive at loneliness? I tend to read the latter interpretation, in which case I would say that lonely people come from their mistakes, like taking a course that you think will be your “easy” class for the semester but instead requires weekly, harshly-graded bullshit interpretations of music from the past half-century.
  2. Who let the dogs out?
    Commonly regarded as your typical “nonsense lyric” today, this lyric was actually regarded as a cutting commentary on the state of American politics when it first appeared in the famous Baha Men song in 2000. As the presidential debates between George W. Bush and Al Gore moved further away from the issues and more toward underhanded personal attacks, one could only help but wonder: Who started it? Was it one of the candidates? Was it one of the parties backing them? Was it the media? Who, metaphorically speaking, “let the dogs out”?
  3. How many roads must a man walk down before you call him a man?
    Since the early 80’s, this question has been read as a question of experience: How many experiences must someone have had before you can claim that they are able to make sensible, adult decisions? However, during the Vietnam War, this lyric was intended to be read as, “How many roads must a man be willing to walk down…” It’s not what someone has done that determines whether they are an adult. It’s what they’re willing to do, like buying drinks for their middle-aged music professor in order to shmooze them into giving the A- they expected, which is required for their GPA to be good enough to get into UC Berkeley School of Medicine.
  4. Fellas! Has your girlfriend got the butt?
    Hell yeah!
    Ha ha, just kidding. Intended to invoke the conflict between someone’s desire to have an attractive significant other and their desire to be the more attractive one in a relationship, this line is, without a doubt, one of Sir Mixalot’s most philosophical. Yes, one wishes to be able to say that their girlfriend (or boyfriend) “has the butt” – but at the same time, they would like to be able to say they have the butt, too. This struggle is a universal for anyone who has ever been in an exclusive, romantic, sexual relationship. However, I can say that while my girlfriend does indeed “have the butt,” I’m a man with quite an ass myself. It’s perfectly proportioned, really tight, and pretty much willing to do anything in order to pass this exam.
  5. What is love?
    Love is an emotion my father ceased feeling for me when I told him I was effectively paying $6250 in tuition to take this class. It’s an emotion my TA obviously wasn’t feeling when he graded my midterm. But maybe, just maybe, love is an emotion that can be felt if I score at least a 92.25 on this test – by med schools, for me; by my father, also for me; and by me, for you, in the motel bedroom of your choosing while Barry White plays in the background.
  6. Do you wanna touch me there?
    You’re opening up this extra credit option to the entire class? There goes the curve; guess I’ll start on that application to CityTeach.

My Mars One Application

by Melissa Chiasson

Nevertheless, enthusiasm for the Mars One scheme has been of middle-school proportions. Last year, the outfit announced that it was seeking potential colonists and that anybody over age 18 could apply, advanced degrees or no.” —The New York Times, December 8, 2014

1. Why would you like to go to Mars?

Webster’s defines “Mars” as “the planet fourth in order from the sun and conspicuous for its red color.” Webster’s defines “conspicuous” as “obvious to the eye or mind,” which definitely helped me out with the first definition. I define Mars as a place to test my resiliency, forge bonds with fellow space enthusiasts, and build a thriving sex tourism operation from the ground-up. It won’t be easy, I know. Having to say goodbye to loved ones you will never see again, traveling for months to reach an unknown, and becoming the madam of a space brothel are no easy feats. But I am confident in my abilities as a leader and sex trafficker to boldly go where no man or prostitute has gone before.

2. How would you describe your sense of humor?

Hilarious! Love the cartoon Cathy (RIP), Dane Cook, and the Geico Gecko.

3. What makes you the perfect candidate for this mission to Mars?

36-24-36. Also an astrophysicist.


Just a Thought: Shortcuts

by Jordy Greenblatt

Whenever I’m walking and I see a “NOT A THROUGH STREET” sign, I take it as a challenge. I’ll search every nook and cranny for an alley to go through or a fence to climb. Unfortunately it’s usually not intended as a challenge and I wind up looking like an idiot when I knock on someone’s door and sheepishly ask if I can cut through their yard. But I look like even more of an idiot when they inevitably slam the door in my face. I think there’s a moral in there somewhere.

Mean Names I Thought of for “The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt” but I Can’t Use Because It’s a Really Good Show

by Jordy Greenblatt

  • The Unbearable Kimmy Schmidt
  • The Untakeable Kimmy Schmidt
  • The Unbreakable Kimmy Shit
  • The Unbreakable Shitty Shit

Note: Just to recapitulate, these names are moot as the show was brilliantly conceived and written and Ellie Kemper’s performance was hilarious in its balance of cynicism and heartwarming sincerity.

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