PUT IT ALL ON RED

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Month: August, 2014

Science Facts Approved by the Texas State Board of Education

by Melissa Chiasson

Tyrannosaurus Rex is Greek or Latin or whatever for “evil king lizard that ate other lizards and occasionally people because they totally coexisted. ”

Evolution, while supported by a wealth of experimental data, cannot explain why gingers exist or why they are so awful.

Scientists assert that global warming has already led to a small rise in sea levels, but this is actually the result of angels crying over embryonic stem cell research.

Fracking adds tons of healthy, potentially flammable, nutrients to your drinking water while making your home a hub of fun seismic activity!

If you hold a trilobite to your ear, you can hear God whispering “Vote Rick Perry for President 2016.”

Tip of the Day #812

by Lincoln Sedlacek

If you’re having trouble opening a door, check to make sure you’re not trying to open a wall.

Names I Will Not Be Giving My New Cat

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Judas Hisscariot
  • Empurror Hirohito
  • Cattilla the Hun
  • Meow Zedong
  • Pussolini

Just a Thought: Diving

by Jordy Greenblatt

What do you call it when a diver purposely loses a diving competition?

If I Reacted to Other People’s Careers the Way They React to Me Becoming a Mathematician

by Jordy Greenblatt

You’re a doctor? I don’t really know anything about medicine, but can you explain exactly how the endocrine system works in two minutes or less?

You’re a writer? I had a terrible writing teacher in high school. I bet I wouldn’t like you.

You’re a carpenter? You must be super good at carpentering.

You’re a singer? I stopped singing in 11th grade. The last song I sang was… hmmmmm… let’s see… Mozart’s Requiem. I wasn’t very good at that song.

You’re an engineer? I used to play with building blocks when I was a kid. Show me exactly what you’re designing and, if there’s anything I don’t understand, it’s probably your fault.

You’re a banker? So that means you print money, right? What kind of money do you print?

You’re a lawyer? Argue against the Electoral College in front of me right now for my perverse amusement. I’ll just be here smiling smugly and assuming that you don’t realize I’m making fun of you in my head.

You’re a project manager? God, I fucking hate project management.

I’m Not Gonna Sugarcoat it; I’m Going to Have to Amputate Your Head

by Jordy Greenblatt

I’m afraid the wound is much deeper than we’d thought and the infection is so bad that the tissue has become black, crusty, and most likely necrotic. If we’re going to prevent gangrene, we’ll have to take off that head.

I understand that you’re scared. Hell you’d be a fool if you weren’t. There are always risks when you go into surgery and I can’t guarantee that you will be alright. That said, there’s one thing I can guarantee: This will kill you.

It doesn’t take 4 years of medical school to realize that severing a human head is fatal. Think back to every (living) person you’ve ever met. Did they all have heads? Of course they did. Sure, some of them probably had ugly or creepy heads, but the point is that they did have heads securely fastened to their necks. It just stands to reason that there’s a common explanation.

Here it is: The second a person gets their head cut off, they die. Since everyone you know is alive, they must still have heads. Think of the anatomical implications of decapitation. Your brain is what keeps most of your bodily functions moving along. You ever tried living without your lungs breathing and your heart beating? It’s no walk in the park. Just think about the amount of blood you would lose. It would probably gush out like Old Faithful.

I’m sorry that was so blunt but it’s important to me that you understand the danger that goes along with the operation, namely certain death. You probably still have a lot of questions like “How do I update my will?” or “What sort of blade or saw will be used to hack my neck in two?” or “How will cutting off my head help an infection in my foot?” but unfortunately I have another surgery at 2 so I’m gonna need you to start counting backwards from 10.

Tip of the Day #861

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Keep some spare money in your wallet at all times in case you ever need to buy something.

Ask Some Guy Who’s Actually a Portobello Mushroom

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Dear GWAPM,
I just got my dream job in New York, and I’m looking at apartments. My office is in the Heights, which also just so happens to be where my girlfriend lives. I’d love to be close to her and work, but she’s not ready for us to live together, and living alone that neighborhood’s a bit out of my price range. She suggested I find a roommate, but I’m not sure I could handle sharing a place with someone I don’t even know. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Homeless in the Heights

Dear Homeless,
I can see how the close proximity to your work and your girlfriend could be attractive. Still, it’s important to live within your means. I’ve found that, while not quite as hip as the Heights, the edge of a grassy clearing in the woods is a cheap alternative that’s safe and quiet. If you’re looking for somewhere that’s more “happening,” I’ve got friends who tell me they’ve met some cool people underneath flower gardens. Plus it’s colorful and there’s plenty of shade.


Dear GWAPM,
I’m a gay man, and for over a year I’ve been hopelessly in love with my best friend. There was only one problem: he liked girls…or so I thought! He recently came out to me as gay, and I feel like now is the perfect time to tell him how I feel. I want to make it a romantic moment, but I think he’s still getting used to being out, and I don’t want to scare him off. How do I set the mood without coming across as too over the top?
Yours truly,
Romantic But Realistic

Dear Romantic,
I’d recommend an activity that’s slightly romantic, but not that different from something you’d do as friends. Maybe dinner for two at your place? If you want to show him you really want to take things to a new level, try cooking something a bit fancier than usual. I recommend making a nice penne pasta, then cutting yourself and several of your relatives into small slices and mixing yourselves in with a nice cream sauce. Add garlic and thyme for flavor.
Can’t wait to hear what he says!


Dear GWAPM,
I’m a botany major at Idaho State, and this past semester my grades have been slipping. I’ve never struggled in the program before, but I’m taking a class on fungi right now, and it’s a little outside my area of expertise. Do you think you could tutor me?
Please and thank you,
Fretting about Fungus

Dear Fretting,
I’d love to tutor you! Unfortunately, I lack the proper credentials, mainly due to the fact that I am actually a Portobello mushroom. I also lack a cerebral cortex, the capacity for human speech, a reliable means of transportation, and an active bank account, which are other things I would probably need in order to be your tutor. However, many colleges hire students already well-versed in course material to tutor those who are struggling – you might talk to your academic advisor about such a possibility. Admitting you’re struggling can be hard, but you should never be afraid to ask for help!

They Said I Couldn’t Inhale an Entire Tank of Nitrous Oxide, but Who’s Laughing Now?

by Jordy Greenblatt

Bwahahahahahahahahahahahah Hahahahahahah Hahahahahahahahahahaha… Bahhhhhhahahahahahahahahaaahahahahahhahahaha!

A 1978 Letter From the Prime Minister of Sweden to Jim Henson Regarding the Swedish Chef

by River Clegg

Dear Mr. Henson,

Where to begin.

Let me first say that I personally enjoy your Muppet characters very much. They have brought great joy to the people of Sweden, from Fozzie Bear’s silly voice to Kermit the Frog’s ceaseless struggle under Miss Piggy’s dark, cruel yoke.

We also find Statler and Waldorf’s nihilistic commentary on a decaying and fundamentally lost universe quite humorous.

The Swedish Chef, however, leaves me perplexed. Surely it was not your intention to slander the cuisine—not to mention the culture and intellect—of an entire nation, yet what other conclusion can be drawn? Let me provide an example. In one of the character’s recent outings, he stands at his cutting board, ostensibly to prepare a meal with the banana sitting before him. But that pretense is quickly dropped when the chef (has this buffoon even a name?) becomes distracted by the spatula and ladle he holds, which he then waves side-to-side while mumbling in an incoherent bastardization of the Swedish language’s noble lilt.

(I would also note that the character’s personal grooming, even by the standards of the Muppet community, seems subpar.)

Once he miraculously regains his focus, the Swedish Chef is no brighter. After discarding his cookware, he takes up a battle axe—a clear reference to the violent Viking heritage that my people have admirably struggled to move beyond—and, preparing to slice the fruit in two, utters his first discernible words: “Banana split.”

At that point, I could watch no more. And while your average viewer may find it funny to see a great ignoramus disregard the most basic conventions of culinary technique while spouting a juvenile pun, I can assure you that the people of Sweden find this a most offensive caricature.

I remind you, sir, that it is 1978.

But I don’t only wish to complain. In the spirit of offering less incendiary (and, I hope you’ll agree, equally humorous) alternatives to the character’s current iteration, I have provided some of my own ideas for how the Swedish Chef might be employed in the future.

  1. The Swedish Chef stands at his cutting board. His wife, a woman of hearty shoulders and good hips, compliments him on his posture.
  2. The Swedish Chef stands at his cutting board. He asks his two sons, Strom and Olander, to gather firewood for the coming winter. They do so.
  3. The Swedish Chef stands at his cutting board and prepares a stew. (The people of Sweden would like to see all of the Muppets prepare more stews.)
  4. The Swedish Chef sacrifices both rooks in a cunning endgame to win the World Chess Championship.
  5. The Swedish Chef stands at his cutting board. To teach young viewers the absurdity of peasant life, he recites the classic tale of the girl and the snake.

This is not to say that the character inspires no audience sympathy. On the contrary, he has clearly sustained grave psychological trauma earlier in life—perhaps as a prisoner of war or hangman—and the ordeal has left him without means of expression save the childlike incantations of a madman.

Nevertheless, on behalf of the people of Sweden, I ask that you please stop inflicting this lout upon us. He is demonstrably a danger to himself and others, and is a much more accurate reflection of the Norwegian dogs to our west.

Warm regards,

Prime Minister Ola Ullsten

 

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