I’m Not Gonna Sugarcoat it; I’m Going to Have to Amputate Your Head

by Jordy Greenblatt

I’m afraid the wound is much deeper than we’d thought and the infection is so bad that the tissue has become black, crusty, and most likely necrotic. If we’re going to prevent gangrene, we’ll have to take off that head.

I understand that you’re scared. Hell you’d be a fool if you weren’t. There are always risks when you go into surgery and I can’t guarantee that you will be alright. That said, there’s one thing I can guarantee: This will kill you.

It doesn’t take 4 years of medical school to realize that severing a human head is fatal. Think back to every (living) person you’ve ever met. Did they all have heads? Of course they did. Sure, some of them probably had ugly or creepy heads, but the point is that they did have heads securely fastened to their necks. It just stands to reason that there’s a common explanation.

Here it is: The second a person gets their head cut off, they die. Since everyone you know is alive, they must still have heads. Think of the anatomical implications of decapitation. Your brain is what keeps most of your bodily functions moving along. You ever tried living without your lungs breathing and your heart beating? It’s no walk in the park. Just think about the amount of blood you would lose. It would probably gush out like Old Faithful.

I’m sorry that was so blunt but it’s important to me that you understand the danger that goes along with the operation, namely certain death. You probably still have a lot of questions like “How do I update my will?” or “What sort of blade or saw will be used to hack my neck in two?” or “How will cutting off my head help an infection in my foot?” but unfortunately I have another surgery at 2 so I’m gonna need you to start counting backwards from 10.