Gym Workout Routine for the Zombie Apocalypse
by Lincoln Sedlacek
Warm-Up: Jumping Jack Signal
1) Find whatever window seems to have the most search-and-rescue helicopters in front of it, and stand up straight with your hands to your side.
2) Jump in the air, landing so that your feet are shoulder width apart and your hands are above your head. Quickly alternate between this position and starting position.
3) Continue for two minutes.
4) For aerobic endurance, try screaming at the top of your lungs.
Barricading Shoulder Hold
1) Facing the gym door, plant your right foot firmly near the door so that your leg is bent at a 90 degree angle and your left leg is stretched out behind you.
2) Plant your right shoulder against the door and push for 30 seconds.
3) You should feel the stretch in your left calf and, after about 10 seconds, a burn in your right arm and pectoral, varying in intensity depending on how many zombies are trying to break through the door.
4) If the burn starts within the first 5 seconds, make sure no zombies are gnawing on your arm.
5) Repeat for left shoulder.
Barricading Wall Sit
1) Facing away from the gym door, plant both feet shoulder width apart and place your back flat against the door.
2) Lower your torso until both your knees and your hips are bent at a 90 degree angle. Hold for 60 seconds.
3) This position causes one to automatically push against the door. As a result, it can be tempting to straighten one’s legs in order to make it easier to push against the door. However, this should be avoided, as it works fewer of the muscles in the glutes and thighs and signals a weak will and an easy brains feast.
1) Find the largest piece of exercise equipment in the room and, ignoring the instructions, plant your hands firmly on the seat, backrest, or handles – wherever you think will make it easiest to push the equipment forward.
2) Planting your feet firmly against the ground, push forward until the equipment begins to move.
3) Push until the equipment is pressed firmly against the door.
4) Repeat for all other equipment in the gym.
Floor-to-Ceiling Pillar Climb
1) Place your hands on one of the support pillars in the center of the gym, and hoist yourself up as high as you can on the first lunge.
2) Use your hands, knees, and feet to climb your way up the pillar until you reach the ceiling.
3) Push one of the ceiling tiles aside and pull yourself up into the ceiling.
Ceiling Frame Arm Hang
1) Having fallen through one of the flimsy ceiling tiles, grasp the metal frame supporting the rest of the ceiling tightly with both hands. Allow your arms to fully extend.
2) Hold for as long as possible – either until you are no longer able or until metal frame is no longer able to support your weight.
3) Land on hard floor, breaking ankle.
Broken Ankle Run
1) Grasping knee with pained expression on your face, limp quickly down hallway away from zombies while occasionally throwing panicked glimpses over your shoulder.
2) Maintain run for as long as possible – either until you are no longer able to keep going or until zombies catch up with you.
Cool-Down: Dismemberment Stretch
1) Screaming at the top of your lungs, allow zombies to slowly extend your arms and legs away from your body until they are fully extended.
2) You should feel the stretch in your pectorals, triceps, biceps, abdominals, upper back, lower back, glutes, inner thighs, outer thighs, quadriceps, and calves.
3) Hold stretch in each location until appendage slowly tears away from the rest of your body.