A hipster is a person who defines the word hipster in a way that doesn’t include himself. Like Bertrand Russell.
I bet nobody’s ever gotten all that good at dueling because, if you’ve gotten enough practice to be a professional, you’re probably already dead.
Q: When did the Silk Road become a major trade route?
A: Did you hear, Jason made varsity!
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True or False: Alexander the Great survived to see his conquest of Persia completed.
A: Rap music.
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Q: The Peloponnesian War was fought between:
A. Greeks.
B. When will I need to know this?
C. We’re 15. Let’s start having sex with each other.
A: My parents don’t love me anymore.
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Q: Name two differences between the Anglican and Roman Catholic churches.
A: I’m highly susceptible to marketing.
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Q: What year was the Battle of Hastings fought?
A: I drive my car at unsafe speeds.
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Q: Name the United States’ first Vice President.
A: Shut up, mom! It’s my body!
When people drive fancy sports cars, I think they’re trying to say something along the lines of “I have so much money that I can afford nice stuff. If you spend time with me, you can take advantage of all the nice stuff I own.” But what I hear is either “I just got talked into spending five times as much as I needed to on a car” or “check out this car I just stole.” Or maybe the person is a valet; that’s the only decent reason I can think of.
Supermarket chains sell generic brand condoms. Usually I’m the first one to defend sacrificing name brand recognition in order to save money, but that just seems like a mistake all over. First off, it’s a pretty hefty risk to take for a relatively small payoff. And secondly, nothing says “I’m not good enough to be with you” like pulling out a value-pack of Kroger brand condoms at an intimate moment.
I went to a diner recently and they asked if I wanted fruit or fries with my meal. I was really looking forward to those fries, but once they told me there was a fruit option, I couldn’t possibly justify getting them with an already sizable sandwich. Ignorance really is bliss. So is fried food.
Nutella advertises itself as a hazelnut spread with cocoa. Come on, Nutella. We all know it’s chocolate. Maybe it’s a little gauche to admit you’re basically just selling jars of amorphous candy, but we’re not really buying it for the protein anyway.
I was thinking about the movies Chinatown and The Godfather recently. Both are considered classics, but I have a lot more respect for Chinatown. Somehow, with Godfather, Coppola managed to make a movie about a gang war that’s pretty slow and a little boring. That’s kind of pathetic. But Chinatown is an exciting film noir thrill ride that constantly keeps you guessing but it’s about water rights and zoning issues. If Roman Polanski can make an interesting movie about that and Coppola can’t even make a gang war exciting, it’s pretty easy to tell who the better director is. Hopefully Coppola’s a better person, though.
Someday I hope to write the definitive text on the Falklands War. I don’t know or care much about the war itself, but I think people would respect me more if I wrote the definitive text on something and that seems like a topic nobody would have bothered to write about.
PUT IT ALL ON RED 