“My fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for Beyoncé.”
–John F. Kennedy
Flowers and a remorseful card can be a great way to tell someone, “I’m sorry I forgot about our anniversary, and your birthday, and your play, and your recent defense of your dissertation, and that we were dating entirely.” They are a less effective way of saying, “I’m sorry I forgot you have a severe pollen allergy.”
While it may be nice to populate the walls of your house with family photos, it’s much more cost effective to just buy picture frames and leave in the stock photos.
“Whenever you do a thing, act as if all the world were watching. Unless you’re practicing French kissing with a taxidermied turtle. Then make sure no one is watching.”
–Thomas Jefferson
In lots of cities, bats live in the spaces between rafters under bridges. These bats, like all bats, have really good hearing. So do they ever get frustrated trying to sleep when they’re literally living directly under an overpass?
Out of tomato sauce? You can easily substitute it with red paint, provided your goal is to make things red and not to make delicious food.
You can greatly reduce your chances of rear-ending another car by driving on the wrong side of the road.
To make your suitcase easy to spot in an airport’s baggage claim area, try attaching something easily recognizable to it, like a rainbow-colored ribbon or a human ear.
Someone has to tell the English that, while they make an excellent toaster-worthy breakfast sandwich bun, they have no fucking clue what a muffin looks like.
PUT IT ALL ON RED 