by Lincoln Sedlacek
Airport calories don’t count if you take a turbulent enough Spirit Airlines flight afterwards.
A hummus stain starts the Peloponnesian War.
You catch more flies with flypaper than with vinegar.
Dinosaurs open the first Starbucks.
Friday’s new season of House of Cards is going to be the first season of the show where the political plot – a presidential race – is more believable than its real-world counterpart.
“Something I learned early on is that, when I’m on the field and I’m about to call the play, I can’t worry about what I can’t control… But what I can control is my attitude, my effort, and my focus every day. Well, that, and gauge pressure of the game balls. And the impartiality of the judge. And, to some degree, the demographics of the jury members. Whether or not a monetary incentive is given to a low-level intern to falsely confess to wrong-doing and take the fall for you, and the size of that incentive. The quality of a courtroom artist’s sketch of you, if you decide you care about that sort of thing. Not the size of your penis, though. I’ve tried to control that, and it doesn’t work.”
San Diego Zoo showcases first openly gay elephant.
My FitBit buzzes and congratulates me whenever I meet one of my fitness goals for the day. It’s generally a good motivator, but I feel like it’s sending me the wrong message when it congratulates me for meeting my “distance walked” goal en route to Krispy Kreme.
Tying a string around one of your fingers is a great way of reminding yourself that you have an infected paper cut on that finger and it needs to be amputated.