While ad campaigns insist that “there’s more than one way to eat a Reese’s peanut butter cup,” adventurous consumers should note that the only safe ways involve putting it in your mouth.
If I ran a cheap Chinese restaurant in a college town, all of the fortune cookies we gave out after 10pm would say either “Everyone can tell you’re high”, “Everything you said tonight was complete nonsense”, or “There’s a police car out front so slowly make your way to the bathroom and climb out the window.”
“That’s one small step for Neil Armstrong, and one giant leap for people who are going to remember Neil Armstrong’s name for all eternity.”
–Neil Armstrong
“I tell you the truth, one of you will betray me. Later tonight, when we are playing Sorry!”
–Jesus Christ
One can dramatically decrease their risk of bacterial infection by not injecting cultures of bacteria directly into their veins.
With all the controversy surrounding Rachel Dolezal, one thought keeping going through my head: Would Garrison Keillor’s career ever recover if it came out that he wasn’t actually from Lake Wobegon?
Dedicated to Walter Greenblatt, Happy Birthday Dad!
If you don’t want to talk to the people next to you on an airplane, put in earbuds and whenever someone tries to start a conversation say, “I’m sorry – these earbuds aren’t actually attached to anything, but I put them in so that I wouldn’t have to talk to you. Let’s just pretend this never happened, okay?” If they protest, just point at both earbuds and shake your head, mouthing, “Sorry, I can’t hear you.”
“Keep your friends close, and the complimentary cheese tray closer.”
–Benjamin Franklin
“When Parliament moves to disallow factionalization under the guise of the common good, it grants to the majority the power to sustain its own rule indefinitely and inevitably paves the way to tyranny and abuse.”
–George Clinton, In Defense of Funkadelic
“Life is what happens when you’re busy making babies.”
–Allen Saunders
PUT IT ALL ON RED 