Menu Items at Illegal Sea Foods

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Boneless Albatross Wing
Tired of trying to decide whether you want 6, 8, or 12 wings? With the albatross wing, you just need one! This five-foot plate of juicy albatross meat is the perfect appetizer for large groups; it may not be sustainable, but it can totally sustain six to eight people until their entrees arrive.

Sea Turtle Soup
Served in a turtle-shell bowl, this soup is made with sea salt, kelp, and delicious chunks of fresh loggerhead sea turtle, diced daily by our in-house motorboat propeller.

Manatee Burger
The best beef doesn’t come from a cow – it comes from a sea cow. This all-manatee-meat burger is cooked over Australian scarlet coral and served with a side of endangered seagrass salad.

Northern Sea Otter Cutlets
If this tender otter meat sells any faster, it’ll go extinct in no time! Illegal Sea Foods is proud to say that all of our otter meat is cage-free, as keeping otters in cages in our restaurant would make it way too easy for the federal government to discover and shut down our operation.

Whale Ice Cream
This ice cream is made with real melted whale fat, and is covered in an absolute oil slick of our hot fudge. Save the whales? More like save some room for them!