PUT IT ALL ON RED

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Tag: Lincoln

Plots That Weren’t Quite Weird Enough for The Twilight Zone

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • A woman’s phone keeps ringing on the day of her wedding, but whenever she answers there’s no one on the other end. Later a technician finds out the receiver was broken and the phone calls were from the catering company.
  • A college student wakes up to find that his apartment complex is empty and he’s the only person left. Then he remembers that the county fair is that day and everyone must be at the fairgrounds.
  • A man is afraid to leave his house because a strange van keeps parking just down the street. When he finally leaves, the guys in the van rob his house.
  • The passengers on a flight from St. Louis to Houston travel through some unusual turbulence, only to find that when they land, it’s twenty minutes later than their estimated time of arrival.
  • A year after an elderly man’s mysterious disappearance, a group of kids claim to hear his voice. It turns out the man was dead and the kids were just a bunch of fucking liars.
  • A woman has plastic surgery and ends up looking like herself, just with bigger boobs.

-Jordy Greenblatt, Lincoln Sedlacek, and Melissa Chiasson

Tip of the Day #91

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Pornography is a great way to spice up a boring masturbation session.

Outlaws of the Mild West

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Saloon Door-Slammin’ Sal
  • Cliff “The Cow Tipper” Madrow
  • Doc Holliday-Drinkin’ Dave
  • Owen the One-Time Offender
  • Sammy Spittoon-Spillin’ Sparrow
  • Hard-to-Depict-on-a-Wanted-Poster Harry

Tip of the Day #38

by Lincoln Sedlacek

If a friend ever asks you to help them baby-proof their home, this means they want to make their home safe for babies. It does not mean they want you to forcibly remove any and all babies from their home and then ensure they cannot get back in again.

PIAOR’s Three Favorite States

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Solid
  • Liquid
  • North Dakota

Tip of the Day #799

by Lincoln Sedlacek

If you’re ever about to be late for an important meeting, check to make sure you’re not actually Quell’ora, Goddess of Time. It’s a long shot, but it can really pay off if you are.

Tip of the Day #332

by Lincoln Sedlacek

While several recipes for “kitchen sink” cookies imply that you can put just about anything in them, human flesh is still usually frowned upon.

My Favorite Movies in the Air Bud Series

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  1. Air Bud – Josh adopts a golden retriever and discovers that he can play basketball.
  2. Air Bud: Starting Line-Pup – Josh is being harassed by Leslie, the quarterback of the high school football team. But his luck changes when Buddy is put on the defensive line after mauling Leslie during an after-school practice.
  3. Air Bud: Fast and Furriest – Buddy gets a spot on the high school track and field team, which seems to involve relatively normal activities for a dog right up until the moment when he wins the pole-vaulting event.
  4. Air Bud: Pitch in Heat – Buddy becomes the pitcher for the school baseball team, but has trouble working with the team catcher, a female Husky named Sally.
  5. Air Bud: Puppy-Love – When Buddy and Sally have to play together on the tennis team, they learn how to trust each other and strengthen their relationship on and off the court.
  6. Air Bud: Flea Bargain – Buddy joins Josh in mock trial. The coach demands that he be removed from the team, but experiences a change of heart when Buddy saves him from being convicted of 1st-degree murder.
  7. Air Buddies: Ruff-Housing – Buddy and Sally have puppies, whose combined weight is low enough for them to compete together on the school wrestling team.
  8. Air Dogs: Muttriculation – Josh’s RA says pets aren’t allowed in the dorms, but the dean makes an exception when she realizes that the dogs are geniuses in particle physics.
  9. Air Bud: First Litter – When Josh becomes the President of the United States, opposing parties question the constitutionality of a dog being sworn in as Vice President. An amendment is made for Buddy after he proves himself at the U.S.-China Trade Summit; unfortunately, he’ll still die long before reaching the age requirement of thirty-five years.

Things I Listed Under My Main Accomplishments on My First Annual Self-Evaluation

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Actively participated in new employee orientation, asking engaging questions like, “Can you talk a bit more about the company dress code?” and “So, no banana hammocks, then?”
  • Was first employee to attend combined employee orientation and sexual-harassment training
  • Completed break room coffee machine training in under thirty seconds
  • Cleaned up first attempt at using the coffee machine in the break room in under thirty minutes
  • Networked within my department by going on dates with all female employees in first two weeks
  • Went on date with my manager, during which she told me my performance was subpar
  • Was second employee to attend combined employee orientation and sexual-harassment training
  • Refrained from rolling eyes more than three times per day
  • Learned how to misrepresent statistics in order to enhance company image in grant proposals
  • Completed eight pages of a grant proposal, a number 200% greater than the number of grants I was projected to finish this year
  • Learned to assign action items in a confident enough tone that nobody thought to check whether I had any myself
  • Refrained from punching Xander from accounting right in his stupid face
  • Brought donuts to yearly evaluation (note to reader: I actually forgot to do this)

Tip of the Day #922

by Lincoln Sedlacek

The theme song from PBS’s Wishbone makes a great addition to any romantic playlist.

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