New content every weekday. Sometimes.

Tag: humor

This Day in History: Nov. 2, 1948

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Dewey defeats Truman in thrilling game of Twister.

Quizzes I Submitted to Buzzfeed That They Refused to Publish

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Ben & Jerry’s Flavor or Pornographic Film Title?

We Can Tell Exactly Where You Live – Seriously, the Exact Address – Based on the Answer to This One Simple Question

How Many of These Offensive Slurs Do You Know?

Do You Know the Answer to These Five Questions About Trying LSD for the First Time? I’m Asking for a Friend.

Are These Words Cheeses, Fonts, or Things I Just Made Up to Distract You While This Site Puts Malware on Your Computer?

Can You Answer These Nine Questions About the Digits in Your Social Security Number?

Which Third of the Human Centipede Are You?

Tip of the Day #202

by Lincoln Sedlacek

It’s very important to proofread any written content you plan to publish in a pubic space.

Rules to Be Instated at the Next GOP Debate

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  1. Candidates allowed to participate in the next GOP debate will be limited to those that can pass the Miss Manners course, “Conversational Etiquette 101: Not Interrupting.”

  2. Before walking onstage, all candidates will sign an honor policy stating that they will make no factually inaccurate claims, unless doing so would help them win the nomination.

  3. After opening statements, the moderators will explain to the audience that each of them has several buttons on their armrest – one for each candidate onstage. If, at any point, over half of audience members are holding down the button for a candidate, that candidate will drop through the trapdoor beneath them into a large vat of manure.

  4. If a candidate is given the opportunity to respond to another candidate’s statement, and they respond by singing the opening lyrics to “Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better” from Annie Get Your Gun, their time limit will be waived and they’ll be allowed to finish the song.

  5. Hired tattoo artists will be on hand in case any of the candidates feel comfortable getting any of the policy statements they make permanently tattooed across their chests.

  6. Halfway through the debate, the broadcasting station will confer with mental health centers and suicide hotlines across the country to ensure the debate isn’t posing a significant risk to the well-being of the American people.

  7. Whenever a candidate fails to answer a direct question, a moderator will pick three unpleasant nicknames for that candidate submitted by viewers through Twitter. They will then proceed to read those nicknames repeatedly for a full minute.

  8. Any candidate that utters the words, “I’m the only one on stage who has…” will be slimed, courtesy of Nickelodeon.

  9. Moderators will be required to ask candidates at least one question on the subject of global warming that will be ignored in favor of the lobbing of personal insults.
  10. Although moderators are supposed to remain impartial, each will be given one free pass to put their head into their hands and sigh deeply.

  11. Instead of allowing the candidates to make closing statements, moderators will spend the last five minutes of the debate extending heartfelt apologies to any women, immigrants, Muslims, LGBT-identified individuals, or other members of minority groups watching the leading representatives of one of America’s main political parties.

Catchphrases I’d Use if I Were a Judge for the NBA Dunk Contest

by Melissa Chiasson

“Hoop! There it is.”

“And down goes the old leather pumpkin!”

“Looks like someone took a class in underwater basket-DUNKING in college.”

“It must be the evening after Jaime broke up with me and destroyed my self confidence, because there are NO REBOUNDS TONIGHT!”

“Dunk, dunk, goose!”

“I like my basketball hoops the same way I like my Oreos – DOUBLE STUFFED.”

“Michael Jordan might have had jumps, but my goodness does this kid have him beat in the elaborate bicep tattoo category.”

“Anyone in the mood for a snack? Because there are some DUNKAROOS out on that court.”

“I’ve got a fever, and the only prescription is more balls going in. Wait, can I get a redo?”

Valentine’s Day Cards

by Lincoln Sedlacek

A big, cartoonish bee with rosy cheeks is smiling and hugging a flower. Inside it says, “Bee mine.” Underneath, in fancy handwriting, are the words, “To my queen B,” and two tickets to a Beyoncé concert are taped to the paper. Underneath that was quickly scrawled, “Shit shit shit, I’m really sorry I’m sending you this card after you got attacked by that swarm of bees. I bought the card and taped the Beyoncé tickets to it before that happened, and I was afraid that trying to get the tickets off would rip them. Anyway…love you!”

On the front: “Over time, I’ve tried to fill my life with lots of things: work, money, adventure, stuff…” On the inside: “But in the end, nothing fills my heart like you do.” Underneath is a picture of a heart with an “insert gift card here” slot, which is occupied by a photo of the card sender and recipient from their first date. Underneath that is a handwritten note: “Please don’t think I’m cheap.”

The outside is pink with red hearts on it, and reads, “Will you be my Valentine?” The inside is a list of terms and conditions with an “I agree to the terms and conditions” checkbox at the bottom.

A traditional homemade card – pink and heart-shaped. On the outside, it says, “Nothing represents my love for you more perfectly than this card…” The inside reads, “I tried to make it into something I thought was realistic. But it turns out that just as society has given me factually inaccurate ideas of what a heart looks like, so too has society given me an untrue fantasy of what love is.” A $5 Starbucks gift card is enclosed.

A black-and-white photograph of a pug graces the front. The inside reads, “I’m head a-pug heels for you!” At the bottom, in eight-point font, the card designer apparently went ahead and included the text, “Let’s be honest, whoever you’re getting this from didn’t think to buy you a card until at least 5:00 PM on February 14th.”

The Worst Things That Could Possibly Happen on the First Day of High School

by Lincoln Sedlacek

The alarm clock doesn’t go off and you accidentally oversleep 90 years until you die of old age.

You’re in Anatomy, and the person in the school that you’re most attracted to is sitting behind you. They seductively whisper in your ear, “Want to go to the janitor’s closet and learn about my anatomy?” but it turns out you’re a sleeper agent and “anatomy” was the word that triggers you to hack into the U.S. missile defense system.

The principal gets on the intercom system just to let everyone know that Beyonce called and said she would come say hi to everyone if you were no longer at the school. This occurs during PE, where the archery unit has just started and everyone is holding bows and arrows.

You accidentally sit in the wrong place in the cafeteria and the table folds together, crushing everyone sitting there including you.

When you walk into Chemistry class after lunch, there is no teacher. There are only the words, “Today’s assignment: THE ANTIDOTE” written on the board.

You’re giving a presentation at the front of Speech class, when you suddenly realize you’re in your underwear and everyone starts laughing at you. Then you wake up, only to realize that you had fallen asleep while taking a shower in the locker rooms and people thought you had fainted and hit your head so now you’re being carried through the hallways on a gurney, naked, in front of the entire student body.

The World History teacher is sick, and left the first season of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo for the substitute to have everyone watch.

%d bloggers like this: