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April 16, 2012

The Butterball Turkey Talk-line® in the Off-Season

by Melissa Chiasson

Agent: “Hello, welcome to the Butterball Turkey Talk-line! What turkey-related questions can I answer for you today?”

Caller: “Hi, I’ve got a pound of thinly sliced turkey breast, some bread, mayonnaise, cheese, tomatoes, lettuce, onions, you name it.”

Agent: “Sounds like you have the makings for a tasty turkey sandwich!”

Caller: “So I wasn’t supposed to roast that all together in the oven at 400 degrees for five hours?”

______________________________________________

Agent: “This is Butterball, hope you’re having a turkey-rific day! How can I help you?”

Caller: “How would you recommend I get rid of the man from Turkey who lives across the hall from me?”

Agent: “Excuse me, ma’am?”

Caller: “He’s up to no good, I just know it.”

Agent: “Ma’am, I can only answer questions about turkey, the meat item, not Turkish people.”

Caller: “Right, right, of course. How would you prepare poisoned turkey?”

______________________________________________

Agent: “This is the Turkey Talk-line, serving all your turkey-based needs.”

Caller: “Hey! I’ve invited a girl over to my place tonight for dinner, and I need some help deciding what to make.”

Agent: “No problem! What kind of flavors does she like?”

Caller: “She’s really adventurous, you know, she loves trying new things.”

Agent: “Okay, could you be a little more specific?”

Caller: “More specific? Jess, I’ve found someone else.”

______________________________________________

Agent: “Butterball Turkey Talk-line.”

Caller: “Yeah, I’ve got a pretty aggressive turkey waiting outside my front door. He’s looking me straight in the eye right now, like he’s studying me, watching my every move.”

Agent: “Sir, I can’t help you unless you are trying to cook a turkey.”

Caller: “Shut up! He can hear you.”

______________________________________________

Agent: “Please tell me you are actually roasting a turkey.”

Caller: “Wait, is this the suicide hotline?”

Agent: “I wish.”

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Status | April 16, 2012

PIAOR How: So You Want To Avenge Your Father’s Murder at the Hands of a Vicious Drug Cartel

by Jordy Greenblatt

(1) First, you’ll want to know the product they’re trafficking. Most likely it’s marijuana or heroin. Now this might not seem especially germane to your revenge, but if you’re sitting around the cantina, talking about your enemies and how they’ll pay, it will be a lot more convincing if you know what slang to use for the drugs they’re distributing, or “slinging.” This lends you the unhinged and dangerous mystique that all avengers need in order to be taken seriously. Dope works for both marijuana and heroin.

(2) The cartel’s going to have a leader. He may or may not be the one who actually pulled the trigger on your father, but regardless, he’s going to have to answer to you. Make sure he knows that. In fact, you should probably tell him yourself.

(3) It’s possible that they fed your father to some wild animal like an alligator, a wolf, or, if it’s a nautically savvy cartel, a shark. In this case, you’re faced with something of an awkward decision: do you go after the animal or the cartel member who fed it? On the one hand, the animal probably didn’t know any better. On the other hand, he killed your dad. Ultimately it’s a practical issue; you can probably remember the face of the guy who stood by laughing as he watched your father being devoured, but what are the chances that you could pick a given alligator out of a lineup? With this in mind, you probably just want to go after the person.

(4) Make sure that you’re sufficiently armed at all times. Before continuing, we should come clean and admit that we’re not sure why it’s useful to saw the barrels off a shotgun. It might have something to do with the way the shot spreads out of the barrel when you fire it at close-range. Maybe it’s just scarier that way. But whatever the reason, make sure you have a sawed-off shotgun. Also, although actually using nunchucks or throwing stars is impractical in a combat scenario, it really sends a message about whether or not you are to be messed with. In case it wasn’t clear from our phrasing, you’re not.

Note: You don’t need to have liked your father to avenge him; in fact, the more emotionally complex your relationship was, the better.

(5) Your main challenge will be infiltrating the cartel. It may not be the Pentagon, but they won’t just let anyone in. Familiarize yourself with their habits, likes and dislikes, etc. First impressions are key. A useful tip that you might not think of if you’ve never needed to infiltrate a cartel to avenge a parent before is to hire an actor to play along as you pretend to murder him gorily in public. This tells the cartel that you’re one of their own.

(6) You always want the revenge quest to end in a dramatic one on one showdown with the murderer in which he almost bests you but at the last minute you remember his Achilles’ heel and use it to gain the upper hand. Once you have him cornered and you’re about to finish him off, it’s important that you have a nice, stinging final remark for him. Remember, it’s the last thing he’ll ever hear, so make it count. Something like, “I guess the only drugs you’ll be smuggling from now on are hell pills,” but hopefully something that makes more sense.

We hope this guide helps with your quest. It’s important not to get discouraged if it isn’t turning out quite the way you’d hoped. Revenge isn’t a science and it’s hard to get it right on the first try. But, after you lose a few more loved ones to drug cartels, you’ll start to get the hang of it.

Good luck!

-Jordy Greenblatt and River Clegg

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April 13, 2012

Logical Fallacies

by River Clegg

Begging the question: When you argue in a circle such that the soundness of your premises rests on your conclusion being true.

Ad hominem: Meaning literally “to attack the body,” this is when you attack your opponent’s character instead of his or her argument.

Straw man: When you mischaracterize your opponent’s argument by gathering together a bunch of straw and building a dummy out of it, then dressing it in your clothes and yelling about how your opponent’s argument is so stupid that not even the dummy would believe it.

Red herring: When you try to distract from the argument at hand by suggesting that we go fishing.

Arm wrestling fallacy: The belief that any argument can be settled by arm wrestling.

False analogy: Remember analogies from when you were a kid? Like “Michael Jordan is to basketball as Babe Ruth is to baseball”? Those still make no sense to me.

Gambler’s fallacy: The belief that any argument can be settled by Kenny Rogers. (In reality, the only arguments he can settle are ones about conflicting interpretations of Kenny Rogers lyrics. And even then not always, because his songs have a lot of layers.)

Cherry picking: When you refuse to get back on defense, but just wait around under the basket so you can score the ball quickly the next time your team is on offense.

Argument from silence: When you presume your conclusion to be sound simply because your opponent has yet to counter it. (Probably because of how stupid he feels thanks to that straw man dummy you made.)*

Alligators: Basically render the whole idea of logic moot.

False dichotomy: When you assert that one of two opposing statements must be true, when in reality it might be a third thing altogether that’s true — and maybe that thing can accommodate the first two statements together! Boy, doesn’t the turmoil in the Middle East just seem like one big false dichotomy now?

Pornography: Not a logical fallacy in its strictest sense, but masturbating to it sure is fun. Am I right?

Fallacy of exclusive premises: The worst of all logical fallacies.

Robin Williams: When your argument rests on you being Robin Williams.

.

*You should poke pins in the dummy in case voodoo is real.

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April 12, 2012

I’m Not One Hundred Percent Sure What Racketeering Is, But I Want In!

by Jordy Greenblatt

Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m just floating through life without any particular purpose or goal. It’s difficult to be happy if you don’t have your own calling. That’s why, even though I’m not sure I could spit up the dictionary definition for you, I think I’m ready to start racketeering.

First off, I know it has something to do with the mafia and I’ve always seen myself as kind of a “large and in charge” type with a devious streak. Also, I don’t get the sense that it’s a violent crime because I definitely wouldn’t want to hurt anyone. All I know is that it sounds lucrative and it sounds fun.

I was thinking about getting one of those “For Dummies” books but I’m guessing that they don’t have them for criminal activity (I think the company would probably be exposed to all kinds of law suits from racketeering victims, if they exist). I figure if I pick up a gambling habit or something eventually I’ll meet somebody in the mob and they could probably tell me what it is.

Of course, I wouldn’t want to sound stupid in front of a mob boss; I’d try to be really subtle about it. I’d say something like, “You know, as much as I like gambling, my favorite crime is definitely racketeering. If you had to pick, who were your favorite racketeers of all time and why? What about their racketeering did you find particularly imitable?”

I assume that I could infer what the crime is without him being any the wiser. If he asks me questions, I can just give generic, all-purpose answers. For instance:

Mobster: When did you start racketeering?
Me: Oh, who can remember that far back.

Mobster: When do you like to racketeer?
Me: The nighttime.

Mobster: What do you use when you go racketeering?
Me: Just my wits and my bare hands.

Mobster: How did you get into racketeering in the first place?
Me: (holding back tears) I… I don’t think I’m ready to talk about that yet.

These are just a couple examples. It may take a while to get the hang of it but I’m a quick study and I think once my fellow racketeers see the persistence and ferocity of my racketeering, I’ll be known far and wide (except by any law enforcement officers in anti-racketeering units). But I’m sure I can be discreet; after all, how will the police know when I start racketeering if I don’t even know?

The point is that I’m not worried. I’m optimistic that one way or another, I’ll figure it out and, when I do, I think I’m going to be great at it. If not, I’ll just try privateering.

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April 9, 2012

A Page from the Agenda of Buddy Wilson, Bear Wrangler and Concierge

by Melissa Chiasson

8:30 AM Head out to the barn, round up new litter of kittens.

9 AM Feed bears.

10 AM Bear bath time! Wear swim trunks.

11 AM Bear wrestle time! Wear bear suit.

12 PM Meeting with angry neighbors re: “dangerous” bear farm next door. Do not wear bear suit.

1 PM Arts and crafts. Paw paintings, bear calls, squirrel dismemberment.

2 PM Call Clint Eastwood re: dancing bear in next movie. Mr. Winky would be a good fit in terms of age, demeanor.

2:30 PM Acting class. Today’s focus: emotionally intense scenes that do not involve biting.

3:30 PM Appointment with Feds re: accusations of bear fighting.

4 PM Bear fight.

5 PM Costume fittings and grooming. New style idea: bear corn rows?

6 PM Feed bears. Check kitten supply.

7 PM Bear story time! Berenstain Bears enrage them, best saved for bear fight psych-ups.

8 PM Hide and seek. Hide realllly well.

9 PM Meditation and reflection hour. Food for thought: literally, bring food to encourage bears, otherwise they will mutiny.

10 PM Bedtime for bears. Bring sleeping bag, bear suit.

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April 6, 2012

How I Would Reveal Myself to People Depending on What Concept I Was

by River Clegg

Found true love: Immediately.

Global warming still a problem: Slowly dawn.

Might be gay: Slowly dawn.

New baby is male: Almost immediately.

Won the lottery: Immediately.

Winning the lottery won’t solve all your problems: Slowly dawn.

Afraid of flying: Slowly dawn, after years of watching birds fly and realizing humans aren’t supposed to do that, and just look at them! It’s unnatural.

Late for work: Immediately, via AC/DC music from bedside clock.

New baby might be gay: Slowly dawn, but not for many years.

Mission Impossible IV a good movie: Immediately, midway through during the skyscraper sequence. Yeah!

Thing you thought was true love maybe isn’t: Slowly dawn.

You’re among the least-liked people in the office: Either slowly dawn after you’re not invited out for drinks for the third Friday in a row, or immediately, after you overhear Craig saying “I’ll go out for drinks this Friday, but only if [your name]’s not coming,” and then everyone heartily agrees.

Mortality: Slowly dawn, but with a sudden shock of “Oh my God, I’m going to die” at the end or in the middle.

There no reason not to eat Reese’s Puffs cereal in the middle of the night just because you’re fully grown: Immediately.

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April 4, 2012

Rejection Letters

by Jordy Greenblatt

Dear Mr. Greenblatt,

I regret to inform you that we have decided to hire a different candidate for the position as a Chinese to English translator for the United Nations in New York. I know this probably comes as a disappointment but, based on your application, it should not come as a surprise. After closely reading your sample translation exercise, it is clear to us that you snuck a Chinese take-out menu into the testing center and, for each term, wrote down the meal description to the item that sounded the closest. We even figured out that it was the menu from Tiger Noodle on Canal and Mott.

Dear Mr. Greenblatt,

I am not entirely sure what led you to think you could apply for the position of “astro-knight” here at NASA, but I assure you that it does not exist. I would assume that you meant “astronaut” (for which you are physically and educationally under qualified), except that your application had numerous references to the Middle Ages and chivalry as well as the television miniseries “Merlin.”

Dear Mr. Greenblatt,

I am sorry to tell you that Mr. Spielberg does not need a new assistant. There was no opening posted anywhere and of course, as his assistant, I read the letter first.

Needless to say, I did not appreciate being referred to as “an irresponsible dick weed” or “a lazy little bitch.” I am particularly offended that you insulted my Czech and Austrian heritage and greatly disturbed that you spied on me long enough to become aware of it.

Please be advised that Mr. Spielberg has filed for a restraining order and that any further attempt to contact him will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

Dear Mr. Greenblatt,

I am unable to offer you a position here at Pink Flowers Female Escort Service in Las Vegas. Even if the name was not enough of a tip off, a quick look at our website or brochure would have revealed that we only hire women. Furthermore, as an escort service, we are not particularly looking for people with major intimacy issues and an irrational fear of human contact. In fact, I would venture to say that these are both prohibitive attributes in an escort.

I would suggest that you look for employment in an area that requires less personal interaction, such as writing.

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April 2, 2012

Listen, Ladies, Not Taking Steroids Didn’t Make Us Lose the 7th Grade Volleyball Championship, But It Certainly Didn’t Help

by Melissa Chiasson

Hey, ladies, huddle up. Kramer, just because you’re on crutches doesn’t mean you can’t huddle, and you know how I feel about half-assed huddling.

I know you’re all upset. Who wouldn’t be? We just got creamed by those losers from Heights Middle School, contradicting the universal truth that Heights bites. Seeing your opponents raise that golden volleyball trophy in triumph above their heads and receive $5 gift certificates to Cold Stone Creamery from the mayor’s assistant never gets any easier.

We could sit here all day and brood over whether that dropped ball in the second set doomed us, or whether the ref started calling the game differently after I argued that the ball, in stark contrast to the ref’s sexuality, was definitely out. We could blame any number of people, including Jessica, Kelsey, and especially Sarah. But this would be overlooking our biggest obstacle: you are all weak, flimsy seventh graders. Where are the buff Adonises that I was promised by the elementary school gym teacher?

Listen, ladies, let’s be real: not taking steroids didn’t make us lose the 7th grade volleyball championship, but it certainly didn’t help.

Scientists have proven that steroids make you a stronger, faster, cooler athlete. I know what you’re thinking: “But Coach Davis, I’m still developing! Won’t steroids interfere with my normal growth!” Yes, of course they will; they’re steroids. But don’t you want to be the fastest, strongest, coolest seventh grade volleyball players in the county? Now that you have tasted the bitterness of defeat, won’t you do anything to taste the sweetness of victory?

I see you shaking your head, Kramer. Maybe if you were regularly taking steroids your leg wouldn’t have snapped like a twig when a little pressure was applied to it.

Yes, I’m aware you broke it in a car accident. I really don’t like your attitude, Kramer.

Girls, I’m passing around a steroid list and schedule just so you can see how close you are to achieving greatness. It’s incredibly simple: you’re going to be given a cocktail of injectable, oral, and topical steroids, then you’ll rotate injecting every four hours, taking pills every six hours, and applying the topical ointment in the intervening hours when you’re not injecting or taking pills. Meanwhile, you’ll be engaging in about eight hours of strenuous cardio and weight lifting a day. I’ve got a few syringes here along with some oranges so you can get over whatever stupid fear you might have about self-administering shots. It’s just like getting the flu vaccine six times a day, seven days a week, so you’ll be super healthy!

Unfortunately, Megan, yes, steroids are expensive. But you don’t become a championship team for free; you have to put in blood, sweat, tears, and a lot of nandrolone. Also, I hear your dad is loaded, so I don’t really see why this is a concern for you.

The question you have to ask yourselves, girls, is do I want to die a volleyball hero, remembered forever for my amazing strength and lack of secondary sexual characteristics, or do I want to die a nobody, lost to the sands of time in a shroud of non-volleyball champ anonymity?

Yes, Kramer, technically you are correct that there’s a small risk of premature death associated with taking steroids, but you’re losing sight of what’s important here. Immortality could be yours next year if you’d just bulk up and become the magnificent beasts you were born to be, Johnson Independent School District Middle School Volleyball Champs.

Destiny, ladies, it’s within reach. Will you be strong enough to fight for it?

Alright, that’s enough for now, but mull it over and tell me whether you’re ready to step up to the challenge. Now get out of here, I hear Danielle’s mom has a cooler full of Capri Suns and fruit roll-ups for everybody out in the parking lot.

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