PUT IT ALL ON RED

Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m just floating through life without any particular purpose or goal. It’s difficult to be happy if you don’t have your own calling. That’s why, even though I’m not sure I could spit up the dictionary definition for you, I think I’m ready to start racketeering.

First off, I know it has something to do with the mafia and I’ve always seen myself as kind of a “large and in charge” type with a devious streak. Also, I don’t get the sense that it’s a violent crime because I definitely wouldn’t want to hurt anyone. All I know is that it sounds lucrative and it sounds fun.

I was thinking about getting one of those “For Dummies” books but I’m guessing that they don’t have them for criminal activity (I think the company would probably be exposed to all kinds of law suits from racketeering victims, if they exist). I figure if I pick up a gambling habit or something eventually I’ll meet somebody in the mob and they could probably tell me what it is.

Of course, I wouldn’t want to sound stupid in front of a mob boss; I’d try to be really subtle about it. I’d say something like, “You know, as much as I like gambling, my favorite crime is definitely racketeering. If you had to pick, who were your favorite racketeers of all time and why? What about their racketeering did you find particularly imitable?”

I assume that I could infer what the crime is without him being any the wiser. If he asks me questions, I can just give generic, all-purpose answers. For instance:

Mobster: When did you start racketeering?
Me: Oh, who can remember that far back.

Mobster: When do you like to racketeer?
Me: The nighttime.

Mobster: What do you use when you go racketeering?
Me: Just my wits and my bare hands.

Mobster: How did you get into racketeering in the first place?
Me: (holding back tears) I… I don’t think I’m ready to talk about that yet.

These are just a couple examples. It may take a while to get the hang of it but I’m a quick study and I think once my fellow racketeers see the persistence and ferocity of my racketeering, I’ll be known far and wide (except by any law enforcement officers in anti-racketeering units). But I’m sure I can be discreet; after all, how will the police know when I start racketeering if I don’t even know?

The point is that I’m not worried. I’m optimistic that one way or another, I’ll figure it out and, when I do, I think I’m going to be great at it. If not, I’ll just try privateering.