Rejection Letters

by Jordy Greenblatt

Dear Mr. Greenblatt,

I regret to inform you that we have decided to hire a different candidate for the position as a Chinese to English translator for the United Nations in New York. I know this probably comes as a disappointment but, based on your application, it should not come as a surprise. After closely reading your sample translation exercise, it is clear to us that you snuck a Chinese take-out menu into the testing center and, for each term, wrote down the meal description to the item that sounded the closest. We even figured out that it was the menu from Tiger Noodle on Canal and Mott.

Dear Mr. Greenblatt,

I am not entirely sure what led you to think you could apply for the position of “astro-knight” here at NASA, but I assure you that it does not exist. I would assume that you meant “astronaut” (for which you are physically and educationally under qualified), except that your application had numerous references to the Middle Ages and chivalry as well as the television miniseries “Merlin.”

Dear Mr. Greenblatt,

I am sorry to tell you that Mr. Spielberg does not need a new assistant. There was no opening posted anywhere and of course, as his assistant, I read the letter first.

Needless to say, I did not appreciate being referred to as “an irresponsible dick weed” or “a lazy little bitch.” I am particularly offended that you insulted my Czech and Austrian heritage and greatly disturbed that you spied on me long enough to become aware of it.

Please be advised that Mr. Spielberg has filed for a restraining order and that any further attempt to contact him will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

Dear Mr. Greenblatt,

I am unable to offer you a position here at Pink Flowers Female Escort Service in Las Vegas. Even if the name was not enough of a tip off, a quick look at our website or brochure would have revealed that we only hire women. Furthermore, as an escort service, we are not particularly looking for people with major intimacy issues and an irrational fear of human contact. In fact, I would venture to say that these are both prohibitive attributes in an escort.

I would suggest that you look for employment in an area that requires less personal interaction, such as writing.