PUT IT ALL ON RED

In honor of Memorial Day, I wanted to remember the pets of my youth who passed too soon. I wish I could say they died in service to their country, but the US government has already informed me that “Seriously, Melissa, we’ve been through this several times: there is no way a gerbil can earn a Purple Heart, considering said gerbil never spent any time in combat.” I guess I will just have to do Mr. Fuzzball Fizzywink justice with my words.

Roscoe–A delightful dog taken too soon by an errant mail truck that I happened to be driving. What can I say? Six-year-olds were never meant to deliver the mail, especially when drunk.

Cuddles–A slightly less delightful dog that terrorized neighborhood children and was later nicknamed “The Undertaker.” The SWAT team ended her beautiful life in a hail of gunfire. I’m pretty sure that’s the way Cuddles would have wanted to go.

Demetri–The best damn iguana that ever lived. I remember the way you sat on the rock in your terrarium and sunned yourself. It was only after you hadn’t moved from that spot for six months that we realized something wasn’t entirely right.

Mr. Fuzzball Fizzywink–A rebound from Demetri, I never thought I could love you as much as I loved him. Oh, how I was wrong. Ours was a love story for the ages. We went canoeing together, shared ice cream sundaes, laughed and cried together. Napping together seemed like the natural next step in our relationship, until I rolled over and crushed you. Sweet dreams, Fizzywink.

Mrs. Fuzzball Fizzywink–Real sorry about that.

Buster–A rebound from Mr. Fuzzball Fizzywink, I never thought I could love a cat. And I was right.

Patches–Mom said you were my last chance to prove I was responsible enough for a pet. Seeing as I don’t have any pets now, you can see where this one is going. Patches, you were a great puppy! I loved playing with you on the front lawn, and I laughed so hard that I never saw that hawk coming. I like to think he was whisking you off to dog heaven, or, even better, maybe he dropped you off at a more responsible dog owner’s house.

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On a slightly more serious note, thanks to the servicemen and women of the US for all that they have done and do for our country! You make me feel like a lazy bastard for sitting on my ass and writing posts for a humor blog.

Hey comrades, good morning! Alright fine, good afternoon. Okay, elephant in the room, let’s just come out with it; I stayed up a little too late last night and now I’m showing up two hours after the secret meeting was supposed to start. I’m sorry, it’s completely my—wait a second; something’s different…

Why don’t we have the lights off like we usually do to avoid suspicion? Why was the door unlocked and why didn’t I have to say the password on the way in? Hold on… is that our party’s insignia outside on the palace wall? And why is the king’s severed head being paraded down the street?!? Aw crap, did I sleep through the revolution?

Why didn’t you guys tell me it was gonna be today? Wow, I don’t know what to say. I feel like such a shit. Please don’t think I’m not just as committed to our radical doctrine as any of you. You know whose fault this is? Whoever invented the snooze button! What a capitalist pig! Am I right? Come on guys, who’s with me?

Fair enough, you’re all pretty pissed. I can see that. But it’s not like the king would be any deader if I’d gotten my ass into the shower instead of putting a pillow over my head and nodding off for a few hours. It’s not like the palace guards wouldn’t have shot at you guys if I’d been there. I mean, let’s not give me too much credit!

I’ll tell you what, just as a sign of good faith, I will personally clean up the entire hideout. What’s that? Oh that’s right; we don’t need the hideout anymore. Well, I guess I could clean out our new chamber in the former palace chapel. Already cleaned by my peasant comrades when they were enslaved because of the king’s endless greed? Yeah, I guess I should have figured…

Okay, indoor voices everyone. We don’t want the king’s spies to hear us and… oh yeah; that doesn’t matter now. Man, this is gonna take some getting used to! You know what, how about everybody comes to my place tonight for a celebratory bash? I have some food scraps I’ve been saving up for a special occasion and some bathtub wine made from grapes I got out of the palace dumpster. Oh really? You’re having a feast tonight in the king’s banquet hall? Yeah, that does sound better than what I said. Well, am I invited or… never mind; that’s not important. If you don’t want me to come, that’s totally cool. I completely understand if this is just a “people who risked their lives to end tyranny” type shindig.

Not to change the subject, but kudos on having an entire revolution go down perfectly in a matter of hours so quietly that you didn’t even wake me up! I mean, seriously, great work, guys! What? Yeah, I know we’re talking about me, but I’m just saying.

Yes, party secretary, I am fully aware of the irony of letting you guys do all the work to overthrow an oligarchy that we hated for freeloading off of our labor, but I feel like you’re over thinking this. I’m pretty sure the parallel is more symbolic than anything else and there’s no reason to get hostile here. I definitely learned my lesson and, trust me, I feel terrible about it.

Hey, why are the Proletariat People’s Guards blocking the exit? Guys, it’s me. Come on! Everyone makes mistakes but it’s important to forgive them… as long as they aren’t cooperating with the bourgeois oppressor. What’s that quote? “To err is human, to forgive divine?”

Yeah, of course religion is the opiate of the masses, I just mean that… hey, guys, I don’t think we need to resort to violence. We need unity now more than ever! If we break into a thousand factions then monarchist reactionaries will take advantage of our vulnerability and replace the king with an even worse tyrant!

Oh, you’re already united against me? Jeez, I don’t like the sound of that! What can I do to make this up to you guys? No, other than martyrdom! Oh really, nothing else?

Wow, I’m beginning to wish I’d just stayed in bed.