PUT IT ALL ON RED

You’re a doctor? I don’t really know anything about medicine, but can you explain exactly how the endocrine system works in two minutes or less?

You’re a writer? I had a terrible writing teacher in high school. I bet I wouldn’t like you.

You’re a carpenter? You must be super good at carpentering.

You’re a singer? I stopped singing in 11th grade. The last song I sang was… hmmmmm… let’s see… Mozart’s Requiem. I wasn’t very good at that song.

You’re an engineer? I used to play with building blocks when I was a kid. Show me exactly what you’re designing and, if there’s anything I don’t understand, it’s probably your fault.

You’re a banker? So that means you print money, right? What kind of money do you print?

You’re a lawyer? Argue against the Electoral College in front of me right now for my perverse amusement. I’ll just be here smiling smugly and assuming that you don’t realize I’m making fun of you in my head.

You’re a project manager? God, I fucking hate project management.

I’m afraid the wound is much deeper than we’d thought and the infection is so bad that the tissue has become black, crusty, and most likely necrotic. If we’re going to prevent gangrene, we’ll have to take off that head.

I understand that you’re scared. Hell you’d be a fool if you weren’t. There are always risks when you go into surgery and I can’t guarantee that you will be alright. That said, there’s one thing I can guarantee: This will kill you.

It doesn’t take 4 years of medical school to realize that severing a human head is fatal. Think back to every (living) person you’ve ever met. Did they all have heads? Of course they did. Sure, some of them probably had ugly or creepy heads, but the point is that they did have heads securely fastened to their necks. It just stands to reason that there’s a common explanation.

Here it is: The second a person gets their head cut off, they die. Since everyone you know is alive, they must still have heads. Think of the anatomical implications of decapitation. Your brain is what keeps most of your bodily functions moving along. You ever tried living without your lungs breathing and your heart beating? It’s no walk in the park. Just think about the amount of blood you would lose. It would probably gush out like Old Faithful.

I’m sorry that was so blunt but it’s important to me that you understand the danger that goes along with the operation, namely certain death. You probably still have a lot of questions like “How do I update my will?” or “What sort of blade or saw will be used to hack my neck in two?” or “How will cutting off my head help an infection in my foot?” but unfortunately I have another surgery at 2 so I’m gonna need you to start counting backwards from 10.

Bwahahahahahahahahahahahah Hahahahahahah Hahahahahahahahahahaha… Bahhhhhhahahahahahahahahaaahahahahahhahahaha!

Dear Mr. Henson,

Where to begin.

Let me first say that I personally enjoy your Muppet characters very much. They have brought great joy to the people of Sweden, from Fozzie Bear’s silly voice to Kermit the Frog’s ceaseless struggle under Miss Piggy’s dark, cruel yoke.

We also find Statler and Waldorf’s nihilistic commentary on a decaying and fundamentally lost universe quite humorous.

The Swedish Chef, however, leaves me perplexed. Surely it was not your intention to slander the cuisine—not to mention the culture and intellect—of an entire nation, yet what other conclusion can be drawn? Let me provide an example. In one of the character’s recent outings, he stands at his cutting board, ostensibly to prepare a meal with the banana sitting before him. But that pretense is quickly dropped when the chef (has this buffoon even a name?) becomes distracted by the spatula and ladle he holds, which he then waves side-to-side while mumbling in an incoherent bastardization of the Swedish language’s noble lilt.

(I would also note that the character’s personal grooming, even by the standards of the Muppet community, seems subpar.)

Once he miraculously regains his focus, the Swedish Chef is no brighter. After discarding his cookware, he takes up a battle axe—a clear reference to the violent Viking heritage that my people have admirably struggled to move beyond—and, preparing to slice the fruit in two, utters his first discernible words: “Banana split.”

At that point, I could watch no more. And while your average viewer may find it funny to see a great ignoramus disregard the most basic conventions of culinary technique while spouting a juvenile pun, I can assure you that the people of Sweden find this a most offensive caricature.

I remind you, sir, that it is 1978.

But I don’t only wish to complain. In the spirit of offering less incendiary (and, I hope you’ll agree, equally humorous) alternatives to the character’s current iteration, I have provided some of my own ideas for how the Swedish Chef might be employed in the future.

1. The Swedish Chef stands at his cutting board. His wife, a woman of hearty shoulders and good hips, compliments him on his posture.
2. The Swedish Chef stands at his cutting board. He asks his two sons, Strom and Olander, to gather firewood for the coming winter. They do so.
3. The Swedish Chef stands at his cutting board and prepares a stew. (The people of Sweden would like to see all of the Muppets prepare more stews.)
4. The Swedish Chef sacrifices both rooks in a cunning endgame to win the World Chess Championship.
5. The Swedish Chef stands at his cutting board. To teach young viewers the absurdity of peasant life, he recites the classic tale of the girl and the snake.

This is not to say that the character inspires no audience sympathy. On the contrary, he has clearly sustained grave psychological trauma earlier in life—perhaps as a prisoner of war or hangman—and the ordeal has left him without means of expression save the childlike incantations of a madman.

Nevertheless, on behalf of the people of Sweden, I ask that you please stop inflicting this lout upon us. He is demonstrably a danger to himself and others, and is a much more accurate reflection of the Norwegian dogs to our west.

Warm regards,

Prime Minister Ola Ullsten

“Very educational, but characters lacked depth, especially Mycobacterium leprae.”

“People told me this book gets kinky, but, wow, this is really fucked up.”

“As a doctor, I highly recommend this book. As a person who just wants to read softcore porn in public, I was very disappointed.”

“From the first sentence, ‘Leprosy has plagued civilization for centuries, yet the modern physician now has many techniques at his or her disposal to treat its characteristic epidermal hypopigmentation,’ I was hooked.”

“This movie is going to be real graphic.”

“The electric needle therapy commonly used in leper colonies in the 70s and 80s provided the perfect analogy for my experience reading Fifty Shades of Grey.”

“At first I was upset that I had ordered the wrong book, but then I thought, what’s more disturbing: a love story about a controlling misogynist wang and his unrelenting conquest of a woman with no self-esteem, or a disease that causes disfiguring sores to sprout all over your body?

You decide! But the former does have better sex scenes.”

“5/5 stars, would 100% order accidentally again.”