PUT IT ALL ON RED

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Outline for my Thirty Minute PowerPoint Presentation “Sarah, Please Take Me Back”

by Jordy Greenblatt

  1. Introduction [Graphic: welcome mat or cartoon of smiling, sexy receptionist]
    1. Title
    2. Welcome audience (i.e. Sarah)
    3. Request audience not get up during presentation (note to self: cry a little to reinforce point)
  2. Emotions I Have [Graphic: sad emoji]
    1. Regret
    2. Deep futility about my life and the choices that led me to this point
    3. Hope for reconciliation
    4. Badness (note to self: make sure this counts as emotion)
  3. Attributes That Make me a Good Boyfriend [Graphic: me looking sophisticated or brave or something]
    1. No recent criminal history
    2. Old Spice deodorant
    3. Flexible part time job
    4. XBox One
    5. Old Spice body wash
  4. Changes I Have Made Since we Split up [Graphic: David Bowie with a speech bubble that says “ch-ch-ch-ch-changes”]
    1. Threw out wolf t-shirt
    2. Learned to make salad dressing
    3. Started paying taxes
    4. Purchased silverware
  5. Changes I Will Make in the Future [Graphic: scene from futuristic movie, maybe Blade Runner]
    1. Night classes
    2. Start reading newspaper
    3. Wash car
  6. Conclusion/Summary [Graphic: adorable child waving goodbye gif] (note to self: if Sarah seems receptive play that “So Long, Farewell” song from the Sound of Music)
    1. I feel sad
    2. I was kind of a good boyfriend
    3. I have changed
    4. I will continue to change
  7. Thanks
    1. Thank you to Sarah for sitting through my entire presentation (note to self: if she’s unreceptive say this acerbically)
    2. Thank you to Jeff for showing me how you do a PowerPoint and running the projector

Aspects of Ancient Life the Paleo Diet Has Conveniently Ignored

by Melissa Chiasson

  • Pooping in holes
  • Saber-tooth tigers
  • Being excited by the sight of fire or wheeled-transportation
  • Not having teeth
  • Sunburn on your dong
  • Dying at 24
  • Eating the young of Utok, your fiercest competitor
  • Sex with Neanderthals

Tip of the Day #1008

by Lincoln Sedlacek

The three most effective chess openings against a Grand Master are the Ruy Lopez, the Queen’s Gambit, and flipping the table over.

Best Ghosts to Haunt Your House

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • A woman who died the night before she appeared on “Iron Chef,” – she now spends every day making a gourmet dish that she cannot eat, or transport further than your kitchen table.
  • A guy who slipped on coffee that spilled from his “#1 Dad” mug and is always up for playing catch, building a treehouse, or talking to you after a rough day.
  • A man who committed suicide after his girlfriend left because he never did the dishes. Some nights you can still hear him beg her to come back as he loads the dishwasher, puts in some detergent, and turns it on.
  • A girl who died in a terrible fire and now unplugs the iron and turns off the oven whenever you forget to do so before leaving the house.
  • A puppy who spends most of his time in adorable, corporeal form, but who can’t eat, poop, pee, or leave dog hair all over your couch.
  • Jerry Garcia, who plays great music and provides many “Grateful Dead” pun opportunities.

-Jordy Greenblatt and Lincoln Sedlacek

Tip of the Day #483

by Jordy Greenblatt

Most states don’t recognize Party in the USA as an official national anthem, although it is generally considered an acceptable substitute for the Star Spangled Banner at baseball games.

Plots That Weren’t Quite Weird Enough for The Twilight Zone

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • A woman’s phone keeps ringing on the day of her wedding, but whenever she answers there’s no one on the other end. Later a technician finds out the receiver was broken and the phone calls were from the catering company.
  • A college student wakes up to find that his apartment complex is empty and he’s the only person left. Then he remembers that the county fair is that day and everyone must be at the fairgrounds.
  • A man is afraid to leave his house because a strange van keeps parking just down the street. When he finally leaves, the guys in the van rob his house.
  • The passengers on a flight from St. Louis to Houston travel through some unusual turbulence, only to find that when they land, it’s twenty minutes later than their estimated time of arrival.
  • A year after an elderly man’s mysterious disappearance, a group of kids claim to hear his voice. It turns out the man was dead and the kids were just a bunch of fucking liars.
  • A woman has plastic surgery and ends up looking like herself, just with bigger boobs.

-Jordy Greenblatt, Lincoln Sedlacek, and Melissa Chiasson

Lesser Known Spice Lattes

by Melissa Chiasson

  • Butternut squash spice latte
  • Old spice latte
  • Chili powder latte
  • Sporty spice latte
  • Pickling spice latte
  • Pepsi latte (presented by Pepsi)
  • Latte spice latte

Tip of the Day #91

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Pornography is a great way to spice up a boring masturbation session.

Outlaws of the Mild West

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Saloon Door-Slammin’ Sal
  • Cliff “The Cow Tipper” Madrow
  • Doc Holliday-Drinkin’ Dave
  • Owen the One-Time Offender
  • Sammy Spittoon-Spillin’ Sparrow
  • Hard-to-Depict-on-a-Wanted-Poster Harry

Tip of the Day # 836

by Jordy Greenblatt

Carmen Sandiego is currently at the Starbucks on Santa Monica and Bundy.

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