from PIAOR’s Book of Quotations, page 345
by Lincoln Sedlacek
“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work. But one year, God willing, I’ll have the pecs I need to be in the Daddies of Invention calendar.”
–Thomas Edison
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Status | May 19, 2015
May 18, 2015
5 Must-See Sites for Your Cross-Country Road Trip
by Lincoln Sedlacek
1. The Liberty Bell
Travel to Philadelphia to see this emblem of freedom and equality in America, which – fittingly – has a large crack running through it.
2. Cleveland, OH
Cleveland is one of the best cities in the country to stop at and get some food without being tempted to stay too long. From Downtown to the Riverside, fast food places frequently lure tourists in with the promise of getting them in and out of the metropolitan area as soon as possible. No matter where you go, the sites and sounds of Cleveland are sure to be the perfect motivation to get back on the road and keep driving until sundown.
3. The St. Louis Archenemy of Katy Perry
If you’re going through Missouri, it’s hard to find a reason not to enjoy a picnic on the banks of the Mississippi, where you can enjoy the view of St. Louis’ most famous landmark as it plots the demise of legendary pop icon Katy Perry.
4. The urinal trough in the Grand Canyon Visitor Center’s men’s restroom
A vast, majestic expanse with colossal walls, the urinal trough in the Grand Canyon Visitor Center’s men’s restroom is a sight to behold. Thousands visit this beautiful site each year; all are awed at the torrent that flows through it, made to look small and insignificant by the steep walls on either side.
5. Mt. Rushmore
This South Dakota landmark, which features the gigantic marble heads of four of the former Presidents of the United States, is one of the most recognizable in the nation. Make sure to visit at 3:00 PM, the time of day when the presidential quartet sings a little song. Favorite jams include “You’re a Grand Ol’ Flag” and “America, the Beautiful,” but rumor has it the boys have been working on learning the theme from Ghostbusters!
Status | May 14, 2015
Tip of the Day #209
by Lincoln Sedlacek
No matter how mean a person is, or how realistic the scenario seems in The Wizard of Oz, dropping a house on someone is usually not a good way to get your neighborhood to throw a party in your honor.
Status | May 13, 2015
Just a Thought: Idioms
by Jordy Greenblatt
I’m very grateful for the expression “It’s no use crying over spilled milk” because, on the rare occasion that I spill milk, I’m too awed by the communicative power of idiomatic English to be upset. But I still feel like shit when I spill soda or juice.
Status | May 12, 2015
from PIAOR’s Book of Quotations, page 62
by Lincoln Sedlacek
“The journey of a thousand miles begins with one realizing they forgot their good hiking boots after they’re already 37 miles from home.”
–Lao Tzu
May 11, 2015
TV Show Pitches That Did Not Get Me a Job as a Screenwriter
by Lincoln Sedlacek
Marco Polo
Jared is his high school water polo team’s bench warmer. But his luck changes when he adopts a stray octopus at the beach, who he names Marco. Marco turns out to be a natural at water polo, and soon becomes the high school’s star athlete. But will the team lose regionals when the Director of the Virginia High School Water Polo League questions an octopus’s eligibility to play? Not after Marco strangles him with his own tentacles.
Four Score and Seven Shots Ago
It’s the middle of the Civil War, when the Chief of Staff realizes that an obscure clause in the Constitution says the President must have a college degree. Lincoln is forced to go back to school and work toward a B.A. in Communications so that he can remain the President, but earning a diploma is hard work when your main extracurricular is running the Civil War.
Alien vs. Customer
A bloodthirsty, reptilian alien crashes in the middle of rural Montana and, in an attempt to keep a low profile, takes a customer service job at a local Macy’s. In each episode he almost gets discovered due to his ignorance of summer fashion, his heated conflicts with daytime supervisor Kevin, and his tendency to eat the customers. But he never actually gets fired because he’s really good at managing the changing rooms.
You’re Driving Me Nuts!
Mr. Appleton finds a family of squirrels living inside a tree outside his bedroom window, and decides the best way to get rid of them is to cut it down. He soon discovers he underestimated the squirrels’ wiles when they lure him into the tool shed, eat his eyeballs, and turn his skin into a family quilt. That’s the pilot; the rest of the show is about the squirrels trying to make it big in Hollywood.
May 10, 2015
Messages for Your Mother’s Day Card
by Melissa Chiasson
- I’m too broke to get you a gift. Please send more money.
- You’re my fourth-favorite mother.
- Please ignore the part of this card that says, “Insert gift card here.”
- Enclosed is $78 in one dollar bills. Spend them on something fun! But definitely wash your hands after you touch them.
- I couldn’t think of what to write, so I just glued in my favorite quotes from 50 Shades of Grey.
- I’ve watched you open Mother’s Day cards from me for 24 years, and I can tell you never actually read the heart-felt messages I write. So I guess it’s pretty safe to tell you to go fuck yourself here.
- Can I come home yet?
- I wish we talked more. Maybe you should extend my phone’s data plan.
- Your gift is this tube of lipstick. The color is called, “Sensual beast.” I saw it and I thought of you.
- I never understood why they say you should stop breastfeeding.
- These edible panties are a token of my gratitude for your years of loving care.
- I think Oedipus had it just about figured out, baby.
- Webster’s defines “mother” as “ a malicious, spiteful, or overbearing woman.” Whoops, that’s actually the definition of bitch, but I think “mother” was one of the synonyms.
- Mom, you carried me for nine months, can I sleep in your basement rent-free for 12?
- I bet Jeff didn’t get a handwritten Mothers Day card. Who’s the disappointing son now?
- I bought you chocolates but I got hungry and ate them. They were fucking amazing.
- It’s Dad or me. You have to choose.
- Happy Mothers Day! I got you a life-sized replica of Dan Aykroyd’s cone from Coneheads.
- Roses are red, violets are blue, I came out of your vag, covered in goo. Happy Mother’s Day!
–Melissa Chiasson, Jordy Greenblatt, and Lincoln Sedlacek
Status | May 8, 2015
PIAOR How: So You Want to Buy a Car
by Melissa Chiasson
(1) Decide what kind of car you’re looking for and research its availability at the dealerships in your area. This part is important – for example, a Volvo dealership is a good place to get a reliable sedan, but a bad place if you’re looking for a fire engine or a monster truck.
(2) Before you head to the dealership, do some price comparisons online. Compare interest rates and financing programs. You can also contact dealerships to see if they’ll give you trade-in values on your used dirt bike, childhood Hot Wheels set, or leftover box of chicken taquitos.
Note: If you’re talking to dealerships on the phone at this point, remember that “interest rate” and “incest rate” are not the same thing. That can get you in a whole world of trouble.
(3) Once you have a general idea of what kind of car you want, where you can find it, and what price you can expect, head to the dealership you think is best! Remember to dress for the upcoming price negotiation, though. Find out your sales associate’s worst fears (vampires, death, spiders) and dress up like something that plays to those fears (Dracula, the Grim Reaper, Charlotte from Charlotte’s Web).
(4) As soon as you get to the dealership, check to see if they have Knight Rider. They probably don’t, but it’s worth a shot.
(5) Settle on the make and model of the car with your salesperson. An important consideration here is how easy it is to have sex with someone in the back seat. Are there obtrusive armrests in the way? How easy is it to clean the fabric? Is there a teflon coating option? If space is a concern, you may want to ask the dealer to join you in the vehicle for a few minutes of clothes-on thrusting to test out this feature.
(6) Having settled on a make and model, bring the discussion to optional features and add-ons. For example, some people will tell you that four cup holders is enough, but those people don’t know how to party. Insist on a minimum of eight cup holders, no matter the price.
Note: Does the car have “Pussy Wagon” spray-painted on the back? If not, ask the salesperson about available “Pussy Wagon” packages.
(7) Take the car out for a test drive. If you turn on the engine and 4 Minutes by Madonna and Justin Timberlake doesn’t immediately start to play, that’s not the car for you.
(8) Once you’ve settled on a car, it’s time to start negotiating price and financing. The final price will likely be midway between your initial offer and the sticker price, so always make an initial offer of $0. Also, one of the ways dealerships make money is through expensive financing programs. Don’t get talked into low monthly payments, because they’ll take years to pay off; instead, offer to pay in “antique” ivory.
We hope this guide has helped you buy the car you want; congratulations on your new purchase! All that’s left to do is leave a lasting impression on the salesman by blasting Lenny Kravitz’s “American Woman” on the radio, peeling out of the lot, and running into a hot dog stand.
–Jordy Greenblatt, Lincoln Sedlacek, and Melissa Chiasson, certified mechanic
Status | May 7, 2015
Tip of the Day #664
by Lincoln Sedlacek
Societal norms allow concert attendees to scream, “I love this song!” three times; however, funeral attendees should do this no more than once.
May 6, 2015
I’m Beginning to Think “BBC America” and the “English Channel” Might Not Be the Same Thing
by Jordy Greenblatt
Last week my friend Jane said that I needed to check out Orphan Black as soon as humanly possible. She said it the best sci fi series she’d seen since Firefly. She told me a little about it and I was sold immediately. I’ve always been fascinated by the idea of human cloning as a thought experiment and it sounds like they took it in a really creative direction. And in the two clips she showed me, Tatiana Maslany was amazing. I legitimately thought they got different actresses to play the clones until Jane told me that it was all her.
Now, as I gasp for air a few miles away off the Cliffs of Dover, I wish I had done a little more research.
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