TV Show Pitches That Did Not Get Me a Job as a Screenwriter

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Marco Polo
Jared is his high school water polo team’s bench warmer. But his luck changes when he adopts a stray octopus at the beach, who he names Marco. Marco turns out to be a natural at water polo, and soon becomes the high school’s star athlete. But will the team lose regionals when the Director of the Virginia High School Water Polo League questions an octopus’s eligibility to play? Not after Marco strangles him with his own tentacles.

Four Score and Seven Shots Ago
It’s the middle of the Civil War, when the Chief of Staff realizes that an obscure clause in the Constitution says the President must have a college degree. Lincoln is forced to go back to school and work toward a B.A. in Communications so that he can remain the President, but earning a diploma is hard work when your main extracurricular is running the Civil War.

Alien vs. Customer
A bloodthirsty, reptilian alien crashes in the middle of rural Montana and, in an attempt to keep a low profile, takes a customer service job at a local Macy’s. In each episode he almost gets discovered due to his ignorance of summer fashion, his heated conflicts with daytime supervisor Kevin, and his tendency to eat the customers. But he never actually gets fired because he’s really good at managing the changing rooms.

You’re Driving Me Nuts!
Mr. Appleton finds a family of squirrels living inside a tree outside his bedroom window, and decides the best way to get rid of them is to cut it down. He soon discovers he underestimated the squirrels’ wiles when they lure him into the tool shed, eat his eyeballs, and turn his skin into a family quilt. That’s the pilot; the rest of the show is about the squirrels trying to make it big in Hollywood.