PUT IT ALL ON RED

• I’m too broke to get you a gift. Please send more money.
• You’re my fourth-favorite mother.
• Please ignore the part of this card that says, “Insert gift card here.”
• Enclosed is $78 in one dollar bills. Spend them on something fun! But definitely wash your hands after you touch them.
• I couldn’t think of what to write, so I just glued in my favorite quotes from 50 Shades of Grey.
• I’ve watched you open Mother’s Day cards from me for 24 years, and I can tell you never actually read the heart-felt messages I write. So I guess it’s pretty safe to tell you to go fuck yourself here.
• Can I come home yet?
• I wish we talked more. Maybe you should extend my phone’s data plan.
• Your gift is this tube of lipstick. The color is called, “Sensual beast.” I saw it and I thought of you.
• I never understood why they say you should stop breastfeeding.
• These edible panties are a token of my gratitude for your years of loving care.
• I think Oedipus had it just about figured out, baby.
• Webster’s defines “mother” as “ a malicious, spiteful, or overbearing woman.” Whoops, that’s actually the definition of bitch, but I think “mother” was one of the synonyms.
• Mom, you carried me for nine months, can I sleep in your basement rent-free for 12?
• I bet Jeff didn’t get a handwritten Mothers Day card. Who’s the disappointing son now?
• I bought you chocolates but I got hungry and ate them. They were fucking amazing.
• It’s Dad or me. You have to choose.
• Happy Mothers Day! I got you a life-sized replica of Dan Aykroyd’s cone from Coneheads.
• Roses are red, violets are blue, I came out of your vag, covered in goo. Happy Mother’s Day!

–Melissa Chiasson, Jordy Greenblatt, and Lincoln Sedlacek