PUT IT ALL ON RED

Look out, thermometers, because summer is here. Is your wardrobe ready for the coming months? Check out a few of 2015’s hottest summer trends!

Higher Mercury Levels
Nothing says “summer” like a hike — hiking up your mercury levels, that is! Get your mercury levels as high as these, and the world is going to know that you’re hot, hot, hot!

Greater Digital Numbers
Of course, if you’re not a “mercury” type, you can always heat things up with some high digital numbers. Gone are last month’s 60s and 70s. Time to break out the 80s and 90s!

Condensation
Remember how your parents wanted you to wear icicles from November through February? Well, they may be about to have a meltdown, because it’s time to shrug off those boring old ice chips and show the world that, with you, it’s not just the heat: it’s the humidity.

Bursting
Still don’t feel like you’re hot enough? Try blowing your top off, sending your insides shooting out and dribbling down your sides. It’s a daring, once-in-a-lifetime look, but it’s sure to have people pointing at you saying, “Gee, look at that thermometer! It doesn’t get much hotter than that!”

Be the Sun
People will definitely realize how hot your look is if you’re the sun.

Are you an aspiring humor writer? Is it too late to apply for any worthwhile internships? Will you temporarily settle for undignifying menial tasks in an attempt to further your misguided dreams? If so, you may be a perfect candidate for the Put It All On Red Menial Task Internship!

The Put It All On Red Menial Task Internship was created to prepare young humorists for securing unsatisfactory internships after college. Salaries are “competitive,” meaning interns will participate in weekly fights over spare change found under the break room’s couch cushions. Interns will work at PIAOR’s main office, which has been described as “illustrious” and “state-of-the-art” in brainstorming sessions for this posting.

Our ideal candidate is someone who comes into a professional workplace and simply can’t leave without cleaning out the fridge, bringing everyone coffee, and figuring out which fluorescent light is making that high-pitched buzzing noise. The full list of responsibilities for this job is currently unknown, however, and could range from things we don’t want to do all the way to things you don’t want to do.

Likely responsibilities include:

• Cutting apart and adapting sections of pantyhose to use as coffee filters
• Writing a 1000-page essay on how Put It All On Red’s internship helped prepare you to compete in the American workforce (or whatever)
• Opening, reading, and answering Jordy’s fan mail
• Writing Jordy’s fan mail
• Positioning yourself to take the fall for any crimes that PIAOR may have committed in the past, present, or future

You’ll also learn valuable real-world skills, like:

• Using Word, Excel, and other Microsoft Office programs to feign productivity
• Listening to a moron like Lincoln Sedlacek
• Coping with being vastly underpaid for your work
• Designing microchips for supercomputers, if you also happen to take a second job at a tech development company
• Talking to family members about your job as though taking it wasn’t a career-ruining decision

At Put It All On Red, we want all of our interns to receive learning experiences that meet their career goals, just long enough for them to decide it’s too late in the summer for them to start looking for a job more suited to their professional ambitions. The position begins June 1st and ends August 31st. To apply, please submit a cover letter and resume to intern@putitallonred.com. We will get back to you as soon as we find someone to go through all these applications.