PUT IT ALL ON RED

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What is the style of contestant’s t-shirt?

1. crop top
2. v-neck
3. baseball tee
4. henley
5. long-sleeve turtleneck

Threadcount of t-shirt is approximately…

1. 50
2. 70
3. 90
4. 120
5. 140

Is t-shirt properly hemmed? If not, ask contestant whether he or she has access to a qualified tailor.

When contestant pours water over t-shirt, shirt looks

1. Sheer
2. Semi-sheer
3. Opaque

Upon inspection, how wet is contestant’s t-shirt?

1. Soaking
2. Very wet
3. Reasonably damp
4. Moist
5. Bone dry

Has contestant competed before in the same t-shirt? If so, rate durability of t-shirt on scale of 1-10.

Overall impression of t-shirt quality, including water retention during chest shake, is

1. Exceptional
2. Good
3. Average
4. Below par
5. Unacceptable

Contestant’s motivation appears to be

1. Showcase the fine craftsmanship of his or her t-shirt
2. Celebrate the diversity of t-shirt styles
3. Bring attention to the issue of poor t-shirt construction
4. Engage in a shallow display of human sexuality that defiles the wholesome spirit of wet t-shirt contests

• Urinate on the enclosed stick
• Clean up drops of urine nervously splattered on toilet seat resulting from stress peeing
• Check stick despite absolute certainty that test is not finished yet
• Consider an appropriate public space to inform Jeff of your pregnancy where he has to remain calm and can’t run off like when you asked him to add you to his Netflix account
• Look around bathroom for a strand of Jeff’s hair for a DNA test just in case he does run
• Check stick again
• Pretend not to have been paying attention as an excuse to check one more time
• Hope that somehow Jeff can take better care of a baby than a goldfish
• Kick self for not keeping a bottle of wine in the bathroom
• Drink two thirds of a bottle of Scope instead
• Tell self you lost track of time so you should check the stick again
• Convince self that Jeff is mature enough for this
• Convince self that self is mature enough for this
• Put on Sweet Child of Mine and curl into fetal position on bathroom floor
• Check timer to discover there are still 53 seconds left
• Check stick anyway
• Remember time when Jeff forgot to take cookies out of the oven and blamed the disappearance of the cookies, the broken oven, and the smoke all on the dog
• Remember how he still sticks to that story and tries to leave the room as fast as possible whenever it comes up
• Watch YouTube clip of a baby tasting a lemon for the first time to remind yourself this is not necessarily a bad thing
• Google “youtube baby phenomenon make parent millionaire”
• Stare into space until timer goes off and then jump up so fast you almost smash the stick
• Check stick
  • If minus sign is present, dump Jeff’s dumb ass
  • If plus sign is present, finish bottle of Scope

-Melissa Chiasson and Jordy Greenblatt

Facebook works hard to ensure your account remains secure and you private information stays private. In order to help us keep your personal information safe, please answer the following security questions:

What is your biggest regret?

Does the Red Cross allow you to give blood?

Have you ever considered deactivating your Facebook account?

What was the make and model of the first car you cheated on your spouse in?

Knowing we have the answer to that question, are you now considering deactivating your Facebook account?

Who was your favorite professor who raised your exam grades for unethical reasons?

What is the name of your first illegally owned firearm?

What is a crime you have committed for which you were never convicted?

What is the trigger word that will cause you to carry out your mission for the KGB?

If you thought that deactivating your Facebook account could result in up to 20 years in prison, would you still consider doing so?

Where did you last bury a human body? Please select a state from the drop-down list below.

On what date did you commit your most significant act of treason?

We read all your private messages.

-Jordy Greenblatt and Lincoln Sedlacek

“What if we took ice cream and made it awful?”

1. Your mom has to be at the bank 11 miles from home at exactly 10am. Suppose she wants to walk but she left the house at exactly 9am and doesn’t have time to walk the whole way. If she drives part of the way at 35 miles per hour and then walks the rest of the way at 5 miles per hour, what’s the furthest distance she can walk and still make it to the bank by 10 sharp. Include the name and address of your mom’s actual bank with your answer.
2. How many ways are there to rearrange the letters in your mom’s online banking login? How many ways are there to rearrange the letters in her password? Write down 3 rearrangements of each, including the actual login and password. Also her first pet, her favorite food, her middle name, her elementary school, and the first name of her paternal grandmother.
3. If C is your mom’s checking account number and S is her savings account number, calculate C-S and C+S. Is this enough information for me to determine C and S? I think so, but just to be safe, write down both her account numbers.
4. If D is your dad’s debit number and P is his ATM PIN, calculate D+P and D-P. This may look similar to problem 3 but it’s not the same because the numbers are different and it’s about your dad.
5. Divide your dad’s credit card number by the 3 digit security code on the back with remainder. You must show all work to get credit. Especially the card number and security code.
6. If a credit card fraud protection plan costs 2% of your dad’s credit limit and only one in ten thousand of all card holders are fraud victims, is it worth investing in the plan? Hint: It’s not. Make sure to tell your dad within the next 3 business days.
7. If x³ = 343, what are your parents’ social security numbers?