PUT IT ALL ON RED

Considering its functional simplicity, the toaster is a remarkable invention for its sheer transformative power. When I see someone eating a piece of toast for breakfast, my first thought is, “I bet that warm crunchy exterior perfectly complements the pillowy bread inside. You, my friend, have made an excellent choice this morning.” If I saw someone eating a plain piece of bread for breakfast, my first thought would probably be, “What the hell are you doing, you blight on society? That’s not how people eat bread. Were you raised by raccoons?”