PUT IT ALL ON RED

• Reddest
• Oldest
• Largest (by volume)
• Largest (by mass)
• Most Difficult to Peel
• Best Beet/Goat Cheese Pairing
• Most Misshapen
• Best in Class: Red Widow, Bloody Mary, Crimson Tide
• Best Beet-Related Pun
• Runniest (Boiled)
• Runniest (Fresh)
• Most Likely to Be Mistaken for a Radish
• Best Borscht
• Longest Without Water
• Most Closely Resembling Jesus
• Sexiest

-Jordy Greenblatt, Lincoln Sedlacek, and Melissa Chiasson

• A woman’s phone keeps ringing on the day of her wedding, but whenever she answers there’s no one on the other end. Later a technician finds out the receiver was broken and the phone calls were from the catering company.
• A college student wakes up to find that his apartment complex is empty and he’s the only person left. Then he remembers that the county fair is that day and everyone must be at the fairgrounds.
• A man is afraid to leave his house because a strange van keeps parking just down the street. When he finally leaves, the guys in the van rob his house.
• The passengers on a flight from St. Louis to Houston travel through some unusual turbulence, only to find that when they land, it’s twenty minutes later than their estimated time of arrival.
• A year after an elderly man’s mysterious disappearance, a group of kids claim to hear his voice. It turns out the man was dead and the kids were just a bunch of fucking liars.
• A woman has plastic surgery and ends up looking like herself, just with bigger boobs.

-Jordy Greenblatt, Lincoln Sedlacek, and Melissa Chiasson