If I ever get a vasectomy, I won’t tell my kids. It’s important that they think they’re replaceable.
It’s a good thing we don’t have a holiday to honor the colors red, green, blue, and yellow because that would be a doozy for whoever designs those Google Doodles.
Anyone who says, “Why are all the good ones taken?” should be required to take an economics course.
I don’t like the mantra that every student should be treated like a “unique, special snowflake.” I’ve seen millions of unique snowflakes in my life and treated every one of them exactly the same.
Too much comedy comes from harping on tired stereotypes. I want to see a comedian come out on stage and say, “Have you ever noticed how Chinese people drink coffee like this” – (mimes drinking coffee) – “and people of all other ethnicities drink coffee in a more or less identical fashion?”
A woman asked me if I wanted to party so I said yes. Then she asked me for fifty bucks so I said no. Yeah right, lady; like I’m gonna pay you fifty dollars to eat my cake and drink my soda.
Jeopardy’s “answer in the form of a question” format is just unrealistic. I don’t think that if I were asked the question, “What is missing a leg?” my answer would be, “It was the anatomical oddity of US gymnast George Eyser, who won a gold medal on the parallel bars in 1904.” I’d probably go with “a partially built table” or “my neighbor’s cat, who had that bad run-in with a lawnmower.”
People at the gym always spend 3 times as long just sitting on the machines watching TV as they do using the actually using the equipment. They seem to think the gym is a lounge where all the furniture is very uncomfortable and sweaty and inexplicably has meticulously incremented weights attached to it. As I see it there’s a pretty simple solution; all they need to do is move the TV to another room and find some old, discarded Nautilus machines for people to sit on while they watch.
I wish that, instead of executing Mussolini, his captors had forced him to run Amtrak. It’s not that I think the trains would finally run on time; it’s just that he was pretty awful and even having your lifeless body strung up and humiliatingly defaced by an angry mob in a city square isn’t quite as bad as spending every day having to deal with Amtrak.
I know I’m not the first person to have issues with autocorrect, but there are two that are particularly troubling when it comes to dating; “np” (no problem) gets changed to “no” and (on occasion) “your” gets changed to “our.” Examples:
I’m running a few minutes late so just wait for me at the restaurant.
No!
I’m really excited about tonight. I can’t wait to meet our mother!
PUT IT ALL ON RED 