In lots of cities, bats live in the spaces between rafters under bridges. These bats, like all bats, have really good hearing. So do they ever get frustrated trying to sleep when they’re literally living directly under an overpass?
Someone has to tell the English that, while they make an excellent toaster-worthy breakfast sandwich bun, they have no fucking clue what a muffin looks like.
If I ran a cheap Chinese restaurant in a college town, all of the fortune cookies we gave out after 10pm would say either “Everyone can tell you’re high”, “Everything you said tonight was complete nonsense”, or “There’s a police car out front so slowly make your way to the bathroom and climb out the window.”
With all the controversy surrounding Rachel Dolezal, one thought keeping going through my head: Would Garrison Keillor’s career ever recover if it came out that he wasn’t actually from Lake Wobegon?
Dedicated to Walter Greenblatt, Happy Birthday Dad!
I’m very grateful for the expression “It’s no use crying over spilled milk” because, on the rare occasion that I spill milk, I’m too awed by the communicative power of idiomatic English to be upset. But I still feel like shit when I spill soda or juice.
Whenever I’m walking and I see a “NOT A THROUGH STREET” sign, I take it as a challenge. I’ll search every nook and cranny for an alley to go through or a fence to climb. Unfortunately it’s usually not intended as a challenge and I wind up looking like an idiot when I knock on someone’s door and sheepishly ask if I can cut through their yard. But I look like even more of an idiot when they inevitably slam the door in my face. I think there’s a moral in there somewhere.
I want to get a bumper sticker that says, “Honk if your car horn isn’t working.”
I saw a sign at a breakfast buffet that said, “Please do not put hard boiled eggs in the microwave – They will explode.” I would have listened if they hadn’t added that last part. I don’t think the financial burden of the broken microwave falls on me.
Anyone who says “I wish I’d been a fly on the wall” better really like eating shit.
In 1990, the Australian rock band Divinyls released their hit single “I Touch Myself,” best known for the chorus, “I don’t want anybody else/When I think about you I touch myself.” Monogamy must be interpreted much more narrowly in Australia.
PUT IT ALL ON RED 