Messages for Your Mother’s Day Card

by Melissa Chiasson

  • I’m too broke to get you a gift. Please send more money.
  • You’re my fourth-favorite mother.
  • Please ignore the part of this card that says, “Insert gift card here.”
  • Enclosed is $78 in one dollar bills. Spend them on something fun! But definitely wash your hands after you touch them.
  • I couldn’t think of what to write, so I just glued in my favorite quotes from 50 Shades of Grey.
  • I’ve watched you open Mother’s Day cards from me for 24 years, and I can tell you never actually read the heart-felt messages I write. So I guess it’s pretty safe to tell you to go fuck yourself here.
  • Can I come home yet?
  • I wish we talked more. Maybe you should extend my phone’s data plan.
  • Your gift is this tube of lipstick. The color is called, “Sensual beast.” I saw it and I thought of you.
  • I never understood why they say you should stop breastfeeding.
  • These edible panties are a token of my gratitude for your years of loving care.
  • I think Oedipus had it just about figured out, baby.
  • Webster’s defines “mother” as “ a malicious, spiteful, or overbearing woman.” Whoops, that’s actually the definition of bitch, but I think “mother” was one of the synonyms.
  • Mom, you carried me for nine months, can I sleep in your basement rent-free for 12?
  • I bet Jeff didn’t get a handwritten Mothers Day card. Who’s the disappointing son now?
  • I bought you chocolates but I got hungry and ate them. They were fucking amazing.
  • It’s Dad or me. You have to choose.
  • Happy Mothers Day! I got you a life-sized replica of Dan Aykroyd’s cone from Coneheads.
  • Roses are red, violets are blue, I came out of your vag, covered in goo. Happy Mother’s Day!

–Melissa Chiasson, Jordy Greenblatt, and Lincoln Sedlacek