Inappropriate Responses to “Your Check, Sir”

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Checks her! I don’t even know her!
  • And here is your 2% tip.
  • What? I didn’t order a check!
  • (sultrily) The check? Oh, goodness me! How ever am I going to pay for this? Do you accept sex?
  • No, I’m sorry, I was asking for the Czech waiter.
  • My check? What the…? Oooooh. I get it. Yes, my “check.” (winks) Thank you very much, ma’am. (winks again)
  • Ah, how clever! You listed everything I purchased and how much it cost, and then added it all together on this little slip of paper so I know what to pay!
  • (shoots the waiter; then, while throwing the bartender a twenty on the way out) Sorry about the mess.
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