My Sexual Harassment Policy

by Melissa Chiasson

Shirtless men: Fair game.

Non-shirtless men: Fair game, unless wearing “This Is What A Feminist Looks Like” t-shirt, in which case just a curt nod will do.

Coworkers: Off-limits if a witness is present, otherwise a casual “Hey cowboy, how’s it hanging?” accompanied by a buttslap is totally admissible.

Orthodontists: It’s his job to put his fingers in your mouth, so he’s basically asking for it.

Buddhist monks: Is that a prayer flag in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Michael Caine: Been there, done that.

Deli owners: NOPE. You do not want to alienate the person who makes your meatball subs.

Construction workers: Nothing wrong with telling a man he’d look better with just that fluorescent “Safety Officer” vest on.

Clarence Thomas: While you may take away my access to birth control through my employer, you can never take away my right to look at that sweet, sweet ass.

Human Resources officer: Now that you’ve read those 19 complaints against me, I’ve got one myself: why are you still wearing those khakis?