PUT IT ALL ON RED

I would be great at having a mistress. I’m a people person. I’m thoughtful. I make good money. I’m six foot one. I would be awesome at having a mistress.

For example, if my mistress wanted to vent about her day, I would absolutely be up for that. Because it’s not just about sex – it’s about companionship. After all, life is short and love is a complicated thing. Not that we’d have to be in love.

My mistress and I wouldn’t care about labels.

Our days together would be romantic and carefree. We’d walk in the park and look at the couples in swan boats and laugh about how silly they look. But then we’d eye each other knowingly and – you guessed it – the next minute we’d be in a swan boat of our own, cuddling and giggling and wearing dark glasses in case someone sees us.

Before going further, I should say that my mistress wouldn’t distract me from my amazing family. My wife, Carol, is smart, beautiful and in great shape. Connor is 13 and loves baseball, and Madison is 6 and knows all her state capitals. They would be crushed to learn that I began a relationship with a mistress, which is why I wouldn’t tell them about it.

Not telling my family about my mistress is a big reason I’d be good at having a mistress.

Now, the 800 lb. gorilla in the room: Sex. Not that gorillas make me think about sex. Ha! Did I mention I have a great sense of humor? It’s one of the things my mistress would like about me.

But seriously, sex. Sexually speaking, my mistress would be extremely satisfied. I’ve had sex in all four positions, and I would make sure to show them to her and field any questions she might have. I would initiate sex with my mistress frequently, either by asking, “Do you want to have sex?” or by just touching her shoulder real slow.

My mistress would never want for anything, be it a set of nice earrings or a gift of similar value. If she likes pearls, then pearls it is. If she sees an expensive watch she can’t live without, it might depend on whether I’ve already bought her the pearls, and what their return policy is.

Either way, a gift is a nice gesture that shows I care.

You may be asking yourself, what if my mistress falls too deeply in love with me, since, as I noted, I’m six foot one? I would guard against this by gently reminding her that I have a family and that they’re the most important thing in my life, even though Carol has been a little naggy lately, and Connor is entering that phase where he doesn’t talk to me much and sometimes I think he doesn’t love me, even though I know in my head that can’t be true, and Madison has decided that she’s no longer going to wear shoes.

They’re my everything.

Whenever my mistress and I just need to get away from it all, we’d go to the movies. We’d snuggle in the seats and drift off into the big screen’s story, and on our way out of the theater, we’d feel like the world is new again. We’d breathlessly go over our favorite scenes and I’d quote a few lines, since I’m always good at memorizing them. My mistress would find this cute, not annoying, and we’d know that even if this isn’t forever, it’s nice while it lasts.

If my mistress needed some groceries, I’d be happy to pick some up on my way over. If she were unhappy with the eggs I got – she likes the organic kind, I always forget – I’d apologize and everything would be okay. I’d even offer to go get the right kind, but of course she’d say not to worry about it. Then I’d help her in the kitchen instead of just zoning out in front of the TV, and we’d eat dinner together and talk. Really just talk. We might even break out the Scrabble board and play over candlelight, joking to ourselves about how I always manage to pull the Q, and we’d play generously, willing to set each other up for a triple word score. We’ll play the way we did before Connor was born, back when her mother was healthy and I had just been promoted at work and we hadn’t even hit our first anniversary yet. God. We were so excited back then.

We were so happy.

If my mistress needed help putting a shelf together, I could probably do that too.