If, in the middle of a presentation, someone asks you a question that you don’t know the answer to, try singing “Gary, Indiana” while slowly backing out of the room.
For a cheap blond dye job, just put a leaky highlighter in your shower head.
Demons typically require an infant sacrifice before they will grant your wishes, but with the right rituals a nice coffee cake can suffice.
You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar but if you put out a nice honey vinaigrette, you can rake them in by the swarm.
When someone says they need to “clear their head,” it actually isn’t an invitation to reach through their mouth and nostrils and remove their internal organs.
Whenever you get home, always put your keys in the same spot. That way if someone tries to steal your car, you’ll know exactly where in your apartment to find them.
I want to get a bumper sticker that says, “Honk if your car horn isn’t working.”
I saw a sign at a breakfast buffet that said, “Please do not put hard boiled eggs in the microwave – They will explode.” I would have listened if they hadn’t added that last part. I don’t think the financial burden of the broken microwave falls on me.
Add some excitement to your Mardi Gras party by replacing the traditional plastic baby in your king cake with a real, live tarantula.
Although almost ten percent of all murders are committed by lamaze coaches, only a small portion of those take place during lamaze classes.
PUT IT ALL ON RED 