PUT IT ALL ON RED

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Tip of the Day #825

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Despite its name, there are many purposes that so-called “all-purpose flour” can’t fulfill, like improving at-risk student test scores, capturing rogue velociraptors, and acting as Secretary of Commerce.

Tip of the Day # 2477

by Jordy Greenblatt

Just because you’re paranoid, doesn’t mean I’m not out to get you.

PIAOR How: So You Want to Sneak a Dead Body Out of a TV Studio That Is Currently Filming the Children’s Show “Larry Lemur’s Fun, Friendly Forest” in Front of a Live Audience

by Lincoln Sedlacek

(1) Before you can sneak the body out of the studio, you’re going to have to sneak in. To do this, you’ll need a disguise. Normally, you can get in anywhere if you’re (a) wearing a business suit and holding a clipboard, or (b) wearing an orange jumpsuit and holding a tape measure. However, for a children’s television studio, it will be better to disguise yourself as something more along the lines of a monkey, a tree, or an anthropomorphic sun wearing sunglasses.

(2) Locate the body. If the seating area is a bleacher-like set-up, it’s probably best to start by checking under the seats. After all, if a child looks under the bleachers for a dropped M&M, finds the body before you, and starts screaming, removing it unnoticed is going to be almost impossible – no matter how much Larry Lemur insists nothing is impossible. After you check under the seats, look in the prop room, the changing room, and the utility closet, in that order.

(3) Disguise the body so that it can be moved inconspicuously. For this, you’ll need to hide the body in whatever human-sized container is available: almost certainly a large, brightly-colored animal costume. If there are multiple costumes available, choose a red one – that way, if the corpse is bleeding, it will be harder to see any bloodstains.

Note: If you disguised yourself as a tree and are able to find a trash bag, it may be possible for you to throw the body in the trash bag, walk out with it, and say something about the importance of recycling if anyone stops you and asks what you’re doing.

(4) At this point, you may realize the person isn’t actually dead yet. If the room is silent, tell them to be quiet, and that you’re there to help them. Keep this act up until the children begin to laugh loudly at a fart joke, at which point you should put your hands over their mouth and nose and press down, hard, until they stop moving. Check their pulse. Put the animal costume on the corpse, if you haven’t already.

(6) At last, it’s time to sneak the body out of the studio. Throw the costumed corpse’s arm over your shoulder and try to make it look like you’re helping an injured person walk out. Try not to attract the attention of any of the children. If you do, and they begin asking what’s wrong with the animal you’re helping out of the studio, it may be necessary to double down by performing an elaborate two-person song and dance number. This is a definite go if you know ventriloquism, but it’s still a solid maneuver otherwise. The kids will love it, and the guy playing Larry Lemur will just assume an actor passed out from drinking too much; he’ll try to usher you out of the studio with as few questions as possible, which is an ideal scenario for you.

(7) Once you’ve left the studio, you’re basically home clear – just get to your vehicle, put the body in the trunk, take it into the woods, and bury it at least six feet below the ground. Later, watch the newest episode of Larry Lemur’s Fun, Friendly Forest to make sure nothing that can be connected to you was caught on film.

We hope this guide helps you sneak your dead body out of the studio without attracting unwanted attention. If you are discovered – which, of course, happens to the best of us – you can always read one of our other PIAOR Hows, like, “So You Want to Eliminate the Witnesses,” or “So You Want to Burn a Children’s Television Studio to the Ground.”

Tip of the Day #8002

by Lincoln Sedlacek

“Bitch, please,” is not considered an appropriate rebuttal to the State of the Union Address.

Tip of the Day #899

by Jordy Greenblatt

It was Eleanor Roosevelt who said, “No one can jump out from behind a mailbox, punch you in the crotch, and run away screaming without your consent.”

Tip of the Day #7265

by Lincoln Sedlacek

The secret to properly folding a fitted sheet is storing it under a regular bed sheet when you’re done.

Just a Thought: Shortcuts

by Jordy Greenblatt

Whenever I’m walking and I see a “NOT A THROUGH STREET” sign, I take it as a challenge. I’ll search every nook and cranny for an alley to go through or a fence to climb. Unfortunately it’s usually not intended as a challenge and I wind up looking like an idiot when I knock on someone’s door and sheepishly ask if I can cut through their yard. But I look like even more of an idiot when they inevitably slam the door in my face. I think there’s a moral in there somewhere.

Tip of the Day #3981

by Lincoln Sedlacek

For a classic April Fool’s prank, tell your coworker that you poisoned his lunch with cyanide. Once he gets off the phone with poison control, reveal that you really put in arsenic and check out the look on his face!

Tip of the Day #4038

by Lincoln Sedlacek

If you are hyperventilating, you can reestablish a more normal respiration rate by breathing into a chloroform-soaked cloth.

Tip of the Day #9045

by Jordy Greenblatt

Elbow grease is not a real substance.

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