When I was a kid, my babysitter used to tell me that when a bully teased me, I should say “sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me.” I thought it was pretty clever. Unfortunately, after that all the bullies knew how to break my bones.
I saw “child burger” on a menu. I’m not 100% sure what it’s made of, but I’m guessing it’s not children. It was on the kids menu too, so it seems even less likely to be made of children. But then again, if it is, it’s really cruel to feed that to kids.
If I wrote fortunes for fortune cookies, I think I’d write, “This paper was manufactured in a plant that also produces asbestos.” And then the lucky numbers at the bottom would be the number for poison control.
I’m not a big sports guy, but I wonder where the rules to baseball came from. They’re so arbitrary. My only guess is that a bunch of mean older kids were messing with some scrawny younger boy by changing the rules as they went along. “If we tag you while we’re holding the ball, then you’re out and you have to wait a long time to play again,” they would shout, hiding their snickers. Then he would just hit it harder so that they wouldn’t have time to tag him. But they would stand further out and when they caught it on the fly they’d say “well, that also means you’re out and you have to go to the back of the line again.” Then he learned how to aim the ball where none of them were standing. The cycle continued as the game evolved into its current form and eventually that kid practiced and practiced until the older boys had to give up changing the rules because whatever they came up with, he would adapt almost immediately and make them look foolish. That younger boy’s name? Babe Ruth. But that’s just my guess.
If you start a sentence with “I’m no expert, but…” you can pretty much finish it with anything.
I learned once in a history class that the table in the center of the British Parliament was traditionally the length of two swords, the idea being that it would prevent one member from murdering an adversary in a moment of passionate debate. At first I thought this seemed like a good idea but then I realized it was kind of excessive. As long as it’s a little more than one sword length across, the worst they can do is fight for a while without actually killing each other. In fact, that would probably be more entertaining. Unless they somehow found a way around the table.
(1) Don’t buy low quality macaroni. Sure, the generic brand is half the price, but she’ll be able to tell; she’s your mom. You better believe she knows the difference between Barilla and Safeway brand macaroni. The last thing you want going through her head when you hand her the card on Monday or Tuesday is, “Gosh, first (s)he forgets and then (s)he won’t even pay the extra dollar for decent dried pasta.” Also, you want the card to last. It’s well known that generic macaroni is made from petrified sawdust and will fall apart after a few weeks.
(2) Make the card specific to your mom. Anybody can glue macaroni in the shape of a heart or a flower. You’re not celebrating the general concept of motherhood; you’re celebrating your mother. Make it creative and make it about her. For instance, you can arrange the macaroni in the shape of her dog or have it illustrate her favorite scene from Shakespeare.
Note: If you recreate the balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet, you’ll want to use a straight pasta like penne for the balcony, or possibly even spaghetti if you want very precise lines. Technically it’s no longer a macaroni card at that point, but she’ll forgive you if you really capture the moment and she’s a big fan of the play.
(3) Don’t bother with glitter. You want it to be memorable, but if it’s too over the top or seems too needy, she’ll just lose respect for you. Try to make it special without compromising aesthetic integrity. A more elegant substitute is to buy multiple sizes of macaroni and make finer details with the smaller noodles. Yes, this will jack up the price a bit. But you can always cook what you don’t use, and you’re not really in a position to complain anyway; you’re the one who forgot about Mother’s Day. Idiot.
(4) Try to refrain from eating macaroni while you make the card. You’re likely to get crumbs on it and she’ll know why. Nothing says, “you did a crappy job raising me” like eating uncooked pasta straight from the package.
(5) If the day you’re planning on giving her the card also happens to be her birthday, do not under any circumstances forget to mention it. This is probably the worst possible way to exacerbate an already delicate situation. Your best bet it to try to play it off like the whole reason you “forgot” Mother’s Day was to set up an even more elaborate surprise for her birthday. Maybe try to make a cake shape out of macaroni on the card.
(6) This may sound odd, but give it to her while she’s eating. There are two reasons for this. One is that, if she is eating somethings she likes, she is more likely to overlook your thoughtlessness and just smile and enjoy your handiwork. But, if not, she can’t immediately yell at you if her mouth is full. This gives you a couple of seconds to say something adorable to get yourself out of hot water.
(7) If she brings up that you missed Mother’s Day, don’t give her the card to deflect criticism. Just smile knowingly like it was part of your plan all along. Then take her out for a nice dinner and give it to her there. Then it seems more like you knew what you were doing the whole time.
(8) Make sure you flag next Mother’s Day in your calendar.
Note: If you gave birth to Jordy, Melissa, or River, thank you and happy Mother’s Day! Your macaroni card should be arriving any day now. It’s probably the postal service’s fault that it hasn’t arrived yet.
-Jordy Greenblatt, Melissa Chiasson, and River Clegg
Suspending a kid for cutting class is like flogging a masochist for perversion.
If I had a nickel for every time I went to a vending machine with 95 cents, I’d be a much happier person.
I object to the phrase “with friends like these, who needs enemies?” Shouldn’t it just be “who needs enemies?” I guess superheroes need enemies if they don’t have a backup career. But I doubt that having jerkoff friends would do them much good if they were unemployed.
PUT IT ALL ON RED 